3. Everyone talks about how good is forgiveness but no one tells you how to do it?

Everyone talks about how good is forgiveness but no one tells you how to do it?

Forgiveness is not a gift to the wrongdoer, it is a gift to yourself. It does not mean that what they did was okay. It means you refuse to warp your life by being in pain and anger over it. It means learning to be at peace with it. There's more to life than the wrongdoing.

It's very similar to a grieving process. It takes time. And patience with yourself. And learning to not dwell on it, thinking about it less and less and less until you hardly think about it at all. Reframing it helps, too--changing how you perceive it and the feelings it triggers.

I had an abusive Mom. That was a very long time ago now. I felt hurt and anger, a lot of damage. The anger and hurt faded away and instead I felt pity for her. She's her own worst enemy and she's living in a hell she built for herself, brick by brick. She's a victim herself, damaged and didn't know any other way to deal with her damage. I cannot heal her and will not try. That's her responsibility, not mine. I chose a long time ago never to become like her, bitter and miserable.

And then the pity faded and I felt mostly nothing. Frankly she's not worth thinking about. What she did isn't worth thinking about. Whatever hurtful things she said, are lies, not worth remembering. I refuse to let memories of her trigger hurt feelings, or anger, not for her sake, but for mine. Happiness is the best revenge, and I have a very happy life now.

I don't want revenge. I hope she finds healing. But I can't heal her. Only she can do that. I just want her gone, and to move on with my life to better, happier things.

I practiced not not being hurt at memories of her. I practiced not being angry at memories of her. Not for her sake, but for mine. I practiced not letting the memories traumatize me. Whatever hurtful things she said to me, are not true, and therefore not worth remembering. Because dwelling on the wrongdoing and tearing yourself apart over it does far more damage than the original wrongdoing ever did. Practice letting it go.

I practiced filing my mind with other, happier things instead. I practiced letting go and moving on. Slowly, I did.

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