I sympathize with u so much. last year i broke down crying in the middle of another failed attempt with my bf & he tried to console me but it was like the dam just broke and I ended up a sobbing wreck for hours. felt so worthless, useless, inhuman, etc.. I couldn't stand looking at myself or even trying again on my own with dilators after that. in fact my entire libido (which had been high at the time) crashed so hard that i still haven't really recovered from it.

like I cant even begin to describe the convoluted knot I get in my stomach when i see happy couples. jealous and self loathing to the nth degree.

but if it's any consolidation my bf (he has the patience of a saint) and I finally tried again for the first time since then.. of course failed again, but we had a nice time anyways just being intimate together.

I really truly hope that whatever happens, you have someone who is kind and patient who won't reaffirm any negativity in your experiences. hope things improve for you❤️