Just need to vent. I’m so frustrated by my fear of flying.

I loved flying as a kid and didn’t think twice about it in college. I’ve traveled a decent amount and have even lived overseas a few times. I don’t remember severe flight anxiety being a big part of those experiences — every once in a while I’d get nervous, but it wasn’t a chronic fear. I have even experienced an emergency landing and was perfectly calm during the whole thing.

Now I’m in my early 30s and something has changed. I’ve also developed bad health anxiety over the last few years and I wonder if they’re related. Recently I had a full blown panic attack on a plane because things were getting bumpy and I saw a flight attendant open a locked overhead bin and take down a black bag. I had to go ask for ice for my wrists and neck and saw him sitting there. It was a book. He was getting his book out of his carryon. I have no idea what I thought was happening… it isn’t rational.

I live across the country from my family and fly home 5-7x per year. Every once of those flights is absolute agony. I feel like I know too much! I’m constantly listening for the number of dings, checking altitude, noticing slight tilts of the plane. I never used to fear takeoff until I learned about wake turbulence. I wish I never knew about any of this and yet I also know it isn’t dangerous. It’s totally intrusive and irrational. It’s not keeping me from traveling, per se — I get on the flights. They’re just hours and hours of pure anxiety.