So much of what you said resonates with me, especially your OP and points 5&6. I didn't have a hard childhood either. Actually, I had a very privileged childhood. I grew up in a beautiful house in the country, went to a great summer camp that I loved for a month each summer. But, because we lived in the country, I had to work a little more than most (splitting wood, huge lawns, weeding, painting etc. - still, I didn't consider it out of the ordinary).
Then my dad died when I was 15. Over the course of a few years, my mom became depressed and resented that she still had a kid in the house (my brother left for the army a few months after my dad died, so it was just her and me). She decided to go to Greece for a month to recuperate from my dad's death, and had me back in school the Monday following my dad's Saturday funeral. My aunt took me in while she was vacationing.
When she came back, she was still jaded and angry about everything. She would go on for hours, screaming about how she slaves away to give me a good life, yet I had a job and was in school full-time, so I wasn't exactly a lazy kid (under-achiever, maybe, but not lazy). She had a good, Monday-Friday, 9-5, benefits, not difficult, well paying job, plus widow benefits and my orphan benefit which she took.
I joined a community choir as something different at 16y/o, and loved my Wednesday practices and concerts. She never came to any concerts, and the choir director arranged for someone to pick me up for practices. She tried to ground me from attending the community choir.
I helped with the food drive and some other stuff, and won a fairly prestigious community service award at 17. Mom called the people giving the award saying that she isn't going because I don't deserve the award because I am spoiled, lazy, and not doing well in school. They responded by offering to take care of my travel expenses for their awards banquet, but it had all turned so toxic that I didn't go.
17y/o she gets a bf, they marry about 1.5 years later. We (he, his 17y/o daughter, my mom, me) move in together. They renovate the basement to make two bedrooms downstairs - one with ensuite and two nice windows; one with one ceiling-level basement window and a furnace closet instead of a clothes closet - that one was mine. The one thing I asked for was a nice light with a few little lamps so I could direct light where it needed to go, but it turned out that I got a builder's light. I had a 10-11pm curfew, despite never drinking or getting in trouble; the step-sister had no curfew, trashed her car, and was busted with weed pipes in her car on numerous occasions. She also thinks my mom is a nut.
I go to university and ended up going on to complete my PhD on a full scholarship. I still needed some help from my mom, but through scholarships and sometimes working two part-time jobs, I got through my PhD and was hired right out of grad school. During my BA, I relied on her quite a bit financially for tuition ($5,000 USD/yr), but still covered my rent and living expenses. In grad school, toward the end, some months I didn't have money for rent, and they helped a bit. All through the process, I had to thank her profusely for her support and listen to her talk about how hard she worked to put me here (I was on full scholarship and had one TA job and a cooking job - but she was claiming to have put me here.
PhDs are tough. Financially. Mentally. Emotionally. Professionally. So you have to be willing to go out on a limb and gamble that you will find a job in the end. During the last year of writing my dissertation - the darkest days - she would suggest that I should just forget it and get a job. "Enough monkeying around on this bullshit!" It's true: I was going through personal hell getting that thing written, but even then, I could see that it was just better to finish and let come what may, rather than drop out.
Six months before I finish, I get a wonderful job offer in exactly my field (at a university). Now the gloves come off. I called to tell her, and say that in a couple of weeks I could take my rent payment over, and she lost it. Asks me to hold on, goes into an office at her work, and says something to the effect of: "I'm really happy for you, but I feel that you have been disrespectful to me lately and I want an apology." I was totally unprepared for this. I asked how I was disrespectful, and she said that she had had enough of this and I can call her back later because she has a job." Just a complete shit show of a message from out in left field.
To cut this short, I don't talk to them anymore, and have heard from my family members that she claims I am pathetic and she paid for my education and I'm nothing without her (she actually said that to two cousins at a wedding). My cousin who heard it has a masters degree. She immediately piped up and said: wait, wasn't he funded during grad school? Now my mom won't talk to her and claims she is "a gossip"
My life now, though busy, is peaceful and wonderful. I have two dogs. Talk to a couple of cousins. Love my work. I feel valued from my work. Eventually I'll settle down when I pay off my student loans, but for now, everything is awesome.