Observations: 1. Even through the worst of your time you are deserving of love and peace. When you dislike yourself it is a gift! You are cognizant of what you don't like about yourself, first step to positive change. 2. AA has saved the lives of several of my relatives. I have great respect for the program. I was sure that one of my relatives would drink his self to death. He found AA and a great sponsor when he was rock bottom after divorce 15 years ago. Today he is happily married, sober for 15 years and the amazing, serene lovely guy we we knew before alcohol took over. Don't give up. Your children will never forget the time you spend with them NOW. Make it quality time if you can. 3. Thank you for starting this thread. You are brave to face this. You are stronger than you know, even when you are feeling very afraid. Remember: Courage does not always roar. Some times its the quiet little voice in your head that says "I will try again tomorrow". Give yourself all the chances you need.

Thanks to all the sweet redditors reaching out and offering to provide OP with support and socialization. It's nice to see the good and kind side of this place : )