Thank you for including the prompt. Here's a google doc with comments.

I think the core issue with your essay is that it feels like you're taking the prompt at face value. The purpose of the personal statement is to demonstrate that you're a good fit for the college (and vice versa), while also conveying your ability to communicate by being clear, concise, and focused. You spend too much time being overly candid/descriptive; your life story is completely incidental to establishing you have initiative, drive, determination - all that good stuff. The admissions office is going to be reviewing thousands of papers like yours and they're not going to have a whole lot of patience for extraneous narrative.

Let's just get to specifics. Any mention of setbacks or mistakes ought to be an example of how you've learned/grown in response, but the entire Navy anecdote only serves to make you sound fragile. This is not a personal judgment, just a reminder that you need to be really meticulous about the image you present. The essay is also missing a compelling reason for why you want to study at a Japanese college, and this one in particular. You could pick up the language and "cultural diversity" anywhere; expand more on the connection between learning Japanese and its role in your new life path.

In terms of structure, if I were writing this I would: Condense the first three paragraphs into one, and cut significant portions out *Swap paragraphs four and five, and merge them *Spend more time on the last section, keeping in mind how *you** can benefit the college

Things to watch out for: *If you mention your business major, you should discuss your choice. *Tense agreement was a recurring problem. I corrected some without bothering to comment, so double check for changes. Whenever I write I'm constantly reading back to myself to make sure I make sense. *A few other grammar issues (then/than, abbreviations) *Your word choice and phrasing is too informal in several places. *You need to be your own hype man, so talk yourself up. Be assertive, enthusiastic, and direct, without boasting.