update--

this morning I had what ive described as a 'rage attack' (non-violent dw), something ive had before and associate with my BPD. this was an event i remember but have no connection to, including the next few hours which were a depression blur. I had skype class today that i was having major stress over not attending (recovering from the horrible morning and both teachers are anxiety-provoking ppl even over the internet)

ive never dissociated in a way where i felt myself get dizzy, black out for a sec and then come forward feeling surprisingly ok and, well, not the same. I felt really ok emotionally but had little connection to the place around me. like I've just woken up. a little while later i felt myself pull back like, 'behind the veil' and i watched as myself, or like not myself become really distressed and freak out about having dissociated to a point of blacking. those emotions were not my own. then it was like those emotions were happening behind me, then i was at the forefront again and i felt my body calm back down. ive felt this way ever since.

I still don't feel a connection emotionally to the things around me, for instance i don't care about those classes because it feels like they're not mine to worry about. I associate that 'entity of emotions' as not being me, but being something that deals with a lot and needs a break from feeling too much. i associate that entity as an aqua blue orb of light, my favorite color used to be aqua blue but in the state that im in right now, i see a silver color.

i refuse to diagnose myself with anything, but this really freaked me out. The scariest part was that level of dissociation. that was when it felt like something more than BPD.

appreciate your thoughts, thank you for your replies to the original post