I do have quite an issue with control when it comes to matters of the mind. It’s probably going to be a long road before I even understand the concept of letting go or surrendering, though you have done quite well at explaining it here.
Even so, my brain has been a certain way for almost 40 years and I’m still at the stage you mentioned where you can hear and read all the right words, and they make enough sense, but do not click. It’s another instance in which I have absolutely no choice but to try to be patient and let it all happen as it will. Rough thing about this is that I have trouble understanding where the line is drawn between letting things unfold, and having agency over what happens.
For example: I quit drinking at age 33 after a long, dark 15 years of causing myself and others harm. I knew it was problematic early on, and that I shouldn’t drink, obviously I couldn’t control myself no matter how much I tried. There were many times where I could’ve chosen not to drink, or could have chosen to quit. It made perfect sense to quit as I had ruined so many relationships, but I didn’t. Eventually, as hangovers got worse, and more and more bridges were burned, I finally quit, not because I made a hard decision to, but because it felt like the natural, obvious choice at that time. It just made sense to stop. It felt like a spiritual decision, as if continuing to drink would simply be the wrong thing to do. So I quit, and People tell me to be proud of my four years of sobriety. I feel there is nothing to take pride in. I didn’t do anything! I should have quit much earlier! But the exact circumstances I found my mind in at the time had it so that quitting didn’t yet make sense. I feel like if agency is real, I should have been able to make that decision, but it didn’t happen until it made perfect sense.
This is a kind of severe and abstract example of what I’m trying to say, but basically I’m saying that I can’t tell what to do at all when it comes to the mind. Worrying about and trying to control things had a certain integral part in quitting, yet it had to unfold naturally to finally happen. Both the worry and the letting things unfold happened, and both felt out of my hands. Currently, If I just “let go”, and let things unfold as they do, I tend to meditate and exercise less, and have smoked more cigarettes than usual. But recently, I have cut my smoking down to one a night, not because I was rigid with myself, but because I let things unfold.
How can these perceptively positive outcomes like quitting drinking and smoking happen naturally, and yet be fueled by past worry?
It seems like letting go of control absolutely would end in my doom, but so will constant worry. How am I supposed to surrender when it’s so paradoxical?
My only guess is that it would be a practice of living directly in each moment as much as one can, and trying to make decisions from a place of stillness. But this practice only continues reliably when I worry about my future if I don’t meditate.
I am very sorry for dumping this word vomit out for you to read. You’ve been kind in your responses, and I hope you won’t respond to this unhinged comment if you don’t want to.
I found some understanding in your last comment, and I’m going to read it a few more times and think on all of what you wrote. Thank you.