People so confuse me. I'm not sure how much to change or try. My work has changed/slacked much lately. I've tried fitting in more now. Be helpful, be silly, take chances at odd expressions. I still feel I'm not really me. But a large part of me likes what is happening, even though it feels I'm giving up on attempting to understand so much more. Basically how I felt when I got married. Growing up I wanted to be something great. The world depressed me. I married a woman I barely knew, just to give up and fit in. I had a family. I tried my best to fulfill my role, but it was all so fake. We separated, but due to my kid and step kids it was hard to leave completely. I shouldn't have married; she tried to understand me, I tried to fit in. After her death from drinking and driving my pretend world fell apart.

If a random shuffle of a deck of cards is so unique, then what does that say of each of us? What does it equate to in our chances of truly finding a soul-mate? It seems we must sink into our peers, to be molded by them, to truly fit in enough to have a relationship. But then we are simply molds. Or should we just give up and accept that our significant others are good enough, or we're good enough for them, only to be at best mostly happy. Is it greed to want something better, a reason to give-up. I avoid relationships now. I simply don't think I could pair up and be truly happy. And because just in case, I might actually find "the one". I don't think she'd be warm at all to the idea that sometime in the past I had possibly dated a friend, a cousin, a co-worker and had sexual relations. I want to be hers, so that we could go anywhere without awkwardness and issues.

But largely I think relationships and the desires for them are ultimately detrimental. I feel debased knowing I belong to a system of people that turn their heads to check out body features just as a dog would. People will even make sure to glance at particular locations, on the off chance that someone of their desired sex is again at a same location. To the point of frequenting, setting themselves in a routine, limiting their selves. Seems we're just dogs attempting to sniff each others' asses. I suppose it is a necessary evolutionary trait, but the crude manner in which we go about it sickens and saddens me. If we turn our heads for every pretty smile, then we'll spend our lives going in circles.

We must be something more. But I can't blame others, especially when I don't even know how to define myself or even if I should. Is this oddness here me, or am I the person who logs in every day, since that has become the most reactionary inciting part of me? Or should I care and let this desire to not be defined become something that is and isn't me?

Mental health issues? How to even approach that one? Possible bipolarity or something else? I have a wide range of emotions, but I feel they are needed in a world with such a wide range of possibilities. I'm a tool, a multi-tool. How handy would I be if I cast away so many attachments? Attempting to latch onto so many aspects, I'm losing sight of me, I can't bring it together to make me, I'm not sure I want to. I change, I allow that, but major transformations worry me.

A sane man will attempt to adapt himself to the world. The insane will attempt to adapt the world to himself. All hope lies in the insane.

I can't remember where I heard that, but I've always loved it. Especially when seeing what others believe sane should be described as. Ultimately acceptance to fit in a role, to be molded and become just like everyone else. I have trouble remembering names, dates, labels in general. I try to soak up every idea I run across instead. The ideas are what is important. It's simply a role of the dice that one person said or did something before another. They were fortunate, but not truly unique. We are each trivial, no matter how great. It is our collective that needs minding, nudged from time to time; we can't control it, especially as we would likely wish. Instead we must be masters of our folly! We go forward, knowing the costs. Our collective can only be watched, and the best we can do is attempt to set the proper trails ahead of time.