The way I'm looking at your situation regarding professional therapy, I think you should let that topic slide away for now (in terms of having actual meetings together as a couple with a professional).

After all, therapy is just a process - it is just a meeting with a professional who then tries to stimulate open conversation for whatever is the topic being hidden away by whatever mental blocks someone has. Now this process can be done properly if all factors between involved parties are accounted for with respect and great chemistry/communication, but if the therapist sucks, or if you and your husband are so against the idea of seeking professional help in the first place that you'll put up mental barriers, progress is most likely doomed and conditions for professional therapy are not ideal.

That said, the goal of proper therapy is just for people to come to honest self-realizations about their mental blocks, and then to slowly overcome them step-by-step - and this should always be a universal goal you and your husband are going after, as it breeds a level of honesty needed for high level intimacy.

Speaking more on this topic, honesty goes hand in hand with intimacy, which goes along with happiness, and though some ugly truths might be very hard to deal with/overcome at first (like right now... especially after you've had a perception of a different situation for so long - and now are presented with some truths you were not aware of), eventually, if you are both able to present/communicate your mental blocks without blaming each other (and it seems you both have already done this, which is a great sign), then you'll be on the road to something better if you can also accept each other's mental blocks, not as an indictment of the other, but simply an issue they are dealing with.

If that philosophy/viewpoint of the situation can then be reached through mutual empathy and love for each other, then you can both adequately try to help each other work on all the issues presented through the conversations you have been having.

Scary shit huh?

So.. how do you go about letting it all out and helping each other figure out all the mental blocks and issues...

Well firstly, I'd commend you both and say that you both have already started on a good therapeutic journey together by having your first deep talk about honest issues you have. I'd also advise that these conversations continue, as you've probably just scratched the surface of the issues.

You mention both feeling out of your depth, and that totally makes sense and should not be too alarming, since that first conversation you just had was probably super emotionally overwhelming, because so much information had been withheld for so long before being let out.

It must seem like a daunting task to then say, "Hey, that deep conversation shit was an emotional rollercoaster. Let's do it again!" but it's something that needs to be done for the sake of fostering deep intimacy and trying to figure out issues that stem from it (in this case your sex lives).

Now of course, if you continue having these conversations, all those mental-blocks, feelings of inadequacy, etc, will all pop up again and it will suck like shit, but it's really part of the process of moving onto something better. You'll need to confront the issues, and then learn how to work together with your partner to make the issues less potent. There's a chance that you might never even get rid of some issues completely - it might be that the best you can do is to declaw the mental blocks inside of each other - but whatever needs to be done, remember that there are two of you. You don't need to do it alone.

Still, it sounds scary as fuck to then continue on with the conversations with so many goddamn feelings flying around right...? But logically speaking (to help try to ease feelings of fear), if you both continue to have more honest and deep conversations about the issues you have been refraining from each other, then the more conversations you have, the more information will be spread out into each talk - and accordingly then - conversation by conversation, a more-complete picture of who your partner truly is (and who you are to your partner), should become much clearer (and less overwhelming) since you will be provided with the context of what they've been going through, and how they got to the point where they are at. This is really where the first breakthrough happens, because at this point, then you'll truly KNOW what you both are dealing with. And you definitely want to get here. Whether by professional therapy or just by taking the time out of your lives to sit down/have conversations late in bed where you all let it out, you want to get here.

Once you both know what you're dealing with in terms of mental blocks, history of why you've developed them, past experiences in detail, etc. - then you're ready to keep continuing on with the conversations, to see how you both mutually want to deal with the issues in ways that can be done in small-steps and with each other's help.

Some questions/topics to think about and share when thinking about all these steps you'll need to take and discuss are:

• Ask your husband about the times he has REALLY enjoyed sex with you. What were the circumstances? The setting? Etc. Sex by nature is one of the most emotional things we can put our mind and body through, and from the quick blurb about your husband's history that you wrote, it seems that his emotions somewhere along the line were distorted when it comes to sex - as in there seems to be some level of negative connotation with sex to begin with - so identifying when he was able to overcome that connotation could help give you a clue on the settings/lifestyle/schedules that you could try to change to foster a better sexual environment. Just a hunch, but I'm assuming he would have been most into sex when sharing a positive emotional experience with you (duh, we're humans!) - so something as simple as having those deep conversations mentioned before, might actually be the things to help spice up the sex life.
• There are much more personal questions to ask, meant to only be asked when you both have built up enough emotional currency, in which you can ask about how he felt about sex growing up. Ask about his first time, experiences that shied him away from sex (since he referred to that already), and when he enjoyed sex before meeting you. Ask if he enjoys masturbating when alone (is there a disconnect between real sex and sexual fantasies like watching porn, etc.) On this topic, you should tell him how your upbringing went regarding relationships/sex as well. Connecting is a two-way street. If only one person is sharing the deep stuff, it becomes a burden. If you both are doing it, it is an act of caring.
• As for the things you need to share - to put it simply - share everything. All the things you wrote in your post, he should know the utmost details of and more. Scary shit to share all of that, but it's what is probably needed right now to set everything properly for intimacy.

Here's to hope and effort.