Thank you for sharing your experience. I think you're right that I am fantasizing about something new and exciting, I feel like I always end up getting "used" to stuff and looking for the next thing. Like an "eternal unsatisfied" person. My depression is very cyclical. I did therapy and have the tools to deal with it but sometimes I feel like something that's embedded in me and will always have to deal with it no matter the life choices.

I have indeed discussed this several times with my partner, at the beginning we even explored poly together, so he is 100% sure and correct when he says he isn't. He's fine with me making porn and being an online domme but he doesn't want to have anything to do with it and that makes me embarrassed sometimes to explore this side of me because we live together in a small appartement. He really js amazing and so understanding, it only makes it harder to choose..