First of all, I love you. I don't know you, but you are beautiful and I love you.
You can tell me to screw off and that's ok. I can't possibly imagine how badly you are hurting right now and it is certainly not in any way easy. But I can only tell you what helps me, not what helps you, and if it doesn't work for you, I'm sorry and I hope you can find the right path to happiness.
What you focus on, you feel. What you feel, you somehow actuate. You literally have to just lie to yourself until it comes to happen. It's pulled me out of nightmare situations. And... When I look in the mirror and my makeup looks like a nine year old took color crayons and drew all over me, and I feel too muscular and overweight to even hope to pass, I tell myself: you are strong. You are beautiful. You are amazing. And maybe I'm not perfect now but I have faith that as I step towards my goal, I will eventually look as pretty as all the girls that post here. And that keeps me going.
Good luck on your journey. Make it through this tough night. And another. And another.