I work at a local amusement park with my older brother. I chose to work there because it's my first job and he was able to get me adjusted to working without as much stress. I also have anxiety.
I work in one of the stores, which entails a lot of guest interaction. It's taken a while for me to be comfortable going to work every day, but after doing it for a while now I've felt a lot better waking up in the morning. Today, though, I got sent to another location. After waiting in the staffing office for half an hour, they sent me and three others to a food location, something I had never done before. The location, of course, was an ice cream stall in the waterpark, on a cloudless 90 degree day. As we were walking to the stall I was pretty damn nervous but when I saw the gigantic lines outside I was hoping it was just some cruel joke.
We walked in and there were two supervisors. They were talking about how they weren't sure if we should be on register because we didn't know the location, but one of the other three with me chimed in and said they were okay with doing it. The other two of course nodded and now I, of course, was the odd one out that couldn't do my job. So I found the courage (or more likely, was scared enough) to, awkwardly, say that "I don't really feel comfortable being on register right now."
They said "Okay, you be a runner," as if I should already know what that meant. They started getting the others tills and I, courage lost, just stood around like the awkward fuck I am. Eventually one of them realized I wasn't doing anything and said "You're a runner, get the orders for the cashiers," and then pointed towards the "serving area". I go over and once again see the giant lines of people and all the employees bustling about and I didn't feel comfortable talking to a single one of them. I walked about a third of the way down the lane and my brain just completely shut down. All I knew was that I had to get out of there, right now. So I turned around and went straight back to where the other employees were getting tills and told the supervisor that I didn't think I would be able to do this job.
The others just stared at me while I fumbled over my words as I basically tried to explain to the supervisors that I was too pathetic to do one of the least-respected jobs on the planet. I assume at this point they figured I was just a lazy employee trying to get off work. Which I guess I was, for the most part. They told me I could go to first-aid or clock out and take the points. I of course couldn't go to first-aid because I wasn't actually sick, which I tried to explain to them. This probably didn't help, because now they just think I'm the dumbest employee alive for trying to pretend I'm sick to get off work but won't agree to go to first-aid. So they (fairly) get more aggressive and say "Go to first-aid or clock out. You have to decide now." I bumble around for at least another ten seconds because I definitely didn't want to clock out early, but I absolutely didn't feel capable of doing the job.
So I went to the phone and clocked out, grabbed my phone and wallet (forgetting to grab the $3 water bottle they made me buy earlier for going to the waterpark) and speed walked the fuck out of there. I had to cover my face with my hand because I didn't want any of the guests to see me break out crying. I walked straight out of the park and into one of the employee bathrooms where I started crying my fucking eyes out before calling my mom and telling her I needed to be picked up (because even though I'm 17, I'm so pathetic I haven't gotten my driver's license and am on no pace to get it anytime soon. I let my temps expire a year after I was able to start learning and have done no driving since).
It would take her about half an hour for her to get to the park to pick me up, but luckily I had plenty of experience waiting in bathrooms. Being the awkward piece of shit I am, I'm not even capable of going to the breakroom/cafeteria with other employees. Almost every single day, I make some excuse to break apart from the others and hide in the bathroom for an hour. Sometimes I make up for not eating after work. Most days I don't. And this isn't just something I do at work - I haven't eaten lunch in my school cafeteria in three years. The worst part is this doesn't even feel strange to me anymore; "lunch time" isn't "lunch time" any more, it is my 30 minute reprieve from the pressure of simply being around other people, and I savor it.
When my mom texted me that she had arrived, I had stopped crying. I'm not good at expressing emotions, and I'm pretty sure I don't have the ability to feel many of them. I considered faking tears or even a breakdown on the car ride home as a way to "prove" to her that I was distraught, but I chose not to. The only thing my peers at school and my coworkers say about/to me is that I "don't talk much" and that I "should smile more." Of course, whenever I consiously put effort into continuing a conversation or laughing at someone's joke, all they say is "Wow, that even made /u/xgi smile!" I suppose I can accept this because it's just the nature of who I am, but that doesn't make me feel better about how I stayed in complete silence as my mom drove me home from work. If she hadn't already realized it, surely now she has to accept that her younger son will never amount to anything.
My brother went to HR after work and told them that I have anxiety and may have problems functioning in new environments. He even bought me a chocolate shake. But that doesn't change the fact that he, just a week ago, was complaining to me about how I never leave my room and never want to go out and do things.
I guess I'm just worthless after all.