This. I grew up with a friend that promoted excess without actually taking the time to enjoy it and me being the stupid self hating sheep minion that I am became a "stoner" that just wanted to smoke as much as possible without even caring how high I got it or enjoying it. Over time everything became pointless. I was smoking just to smoke, but I started realizing that I couldn't comprehend the things that people do. Now I don't know how to do anything. I feel so trapped and stuck in a loop and controlling my feelings is next to impossible, but I understand them enough to not let them effect me, so talking about it seems negative and pointless. I don't want to be negative or effect anyone but I'm trapped in my head and I just want to feel, to see life, to experience sensations unknown, but i fucked it up. I should probably get some help.