I mean, it's a nice essay for an 8th grader. This is better than plenty of what my undergraduates give me, but if you really want feedback:

1) This isn't formatted at all, and is very difficult to read for that reason.

2) You begin by talking about "cliques" (the meaning of which, by the way, varies by sub-discipline) but end by talking about popularity. You draw no connection between the two.

3) The only possible explanations you offer for clique participation are race, gender, and income. These aren't plausible given your sample - except gender, which surely DOES play a role in clique participation. That your community is 50/50 male/female isn't super relevant. There's a lot more to gender segregation.

4) You consistently allude to your survey without providing any information about it at all. It is impossible for a reader to understand the results of your survey unless you make them very clear. It isn't even possible to discern from this essay that you actually performed a survey.

5) The only clue as to your "research question" or "interest" is the line about wanting to find out what cliques exist in your school. But you don't answer this question. You never address it again.

6) This is fundamentally not a sociological essay. You mention social structure, but you decide in your essay that social factors don't contribute to clique adherence. Whatever implicit conclusions you come to (there are no explicit conclusions) seem to be psychological.... I guess? You don't really discuss social structure.

7) As much as this is well-written for an 8th grader, with plenty of $10 dollar words, there is no structure to this essay at all - not even a thesis statement. You tell the reader in the most deliberately pompous way possible about some studies you've read about middle school popularity, without giving anyone any reason to continue reading the essay.

8) You introduce terms without defining them.

9) You end with a terrible line that inserts yourself suddenly into the piece. "The view from up here" - from up where? You're suddenly above your peers because you've decided they're your research subjects? Why even say that?

10) I don't know if "correspondence" is a word you're being taught to use, but I suggest you'd be better off using words like "association" and "correlation."

11) Why have you included your full name and the city in which you live in your Reddit forum post, especially when you are a child? This is discomforting.