My relationship. 6 months in, things have been great, I'm head over heels for this girl. On Saturday, she had an anxiety attack. And I sat there, holding onto her, trying to be there for her, and all the while trying not to throw up.

My last relationship was with a girl who had severe issues with depression and anxiety. And it absolutely tore me apart. She broke up with me to try to figure out how to deal with it on her own, despite still having feelings for me. Queue three months of incredible worry. Only dream I had was of walking into a room and finding that she had killed herself.

And here's the kicker. Every. Single. Girl. that I've had a thing with has been some sort of fucked up. Depression, self-harm, suicidal, anxiety, what have you. And after a while it feels like the only people who will love you have something wrong with their brain. Which sucks. And I stay in these situations because I care about these people, probably too much.

But things seemed to get better. I saw a quote, "You shouldn't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm," and it really helped to change how I thought about caring for people. And I started seeing this girl, and she was...normal. We communicated. We enjoyed each other's company. It was really really nice.

And then, Saturday, she had an anxiety attack. And apparently this is something that she's been dealing with for a while. And it's perfectly understandable. She's stressed about school, work, and getting research for the summer. And her dad is dying from liver failure, for fuck's sake. She has every right to be breaking down. And I love her and can't stand the thought of leaving her in a situation like this.

But holy shit am I terrified. When she calmed down the other night, I said I needed to go to the bathroom and calmly left. And then had a complete panic attack in the showers, talking on the phone with my best friend. Because I don't know if I can do this. Because I had managed to get rid or the feeling that someone needed to be fucked up to love me, and it all came rushing back. Because, yet again, someone I care about is in pain, and I can't fix it. I couldn't get to sleep last night, because I started thinking about it and almost had another panic attack.

I'm feeling sick just writing this. I don't know how to deal with this, and ai have too much else going on right now to have something like this wrecking my focus.

I'm just scared. And I don't know what to do.