One of the reasons I’m having these bad dreams that I’m being treated like a suspect. If I could give a clear narrative and not be so fucking confused, if I felt confident and sure of everything. If I knew how I got out of the car. Was certain why I was gotten out of the car and then put back in. If I knew why and how I got in the front seat. If I could say “yes I was naked when I played with the torch”. If I.was able to verbalise why I felt safe at that point. If I could describe how I felt calm and okay. If I could remember what the man looked like. Not just a useless black block of a man. I can explain that i have cut from my memory the visual of what their ‘clothes’ looked like back then. I can name the colour but I can’t see it. It’s crazy as hell.
The current ‘clothes’ they wear matches my blacked out memory of the man and that used to upset me heaps.
I’m worried that I don’t remember what clothes I was wearing. Things like I’m sure I’d have been wearing shorts.
I am fucked up mentally over shorts, but I don’t actually remember.
I can describe smells and tastes more than what I saw.
I try and drag up times that I remember remembering, if that makes sense and those memories are fuzzy.
I can tell them a couple of local men who I think have a similar body frame.
They remind me of the shape I see now. I don’t know how to explain I shut down when it was happening. I was scared when I got in the car, but when he went the wrong way I was shitting myself and thought I was going to get dropped far away and I’d have to walk back. I wondered if I was getting to hit, but I didn’t take that seriously.
I just knew he was really angry and I there was nothing I’d done to deserve it.
I wasn’t j walking, I didn’t have to wear my helmet because I was walking my bike across the street because I didn’t have glasses and it was a double lane road and I couldn’t see well enough to ride across.
I’m worried that because I am confused and I’ve spent 30 years trying to fill in gaps they’ll say I’m full of shit.
I don’t want to make a report or sign anything for those reasons amongst feeling scared and I know I’ll feel intimidated.
I really do want to take the next step.
I feel a change in my confidence.
I need to know I’ll be okay.