My post was removed earlier, I share it with you here.
Nonbelievers, please allow us devout Christineians our religious freedom.
Beloved followers of Jesus Christine, the wait is over. The day of reckoning is upon us. The skies above New Jersey, a land so barren that no team in any sport wants to associate with it, will open and reveal a blue star. Today we learn if Christine Michael is indeed Jesus Christine Lord and Savior, or another false prophet.
We have been lied to by these false prophets before. There were the False Prophet CJs (Spiller or Anderson), or the Fat Disappointer Eddie Lacy. There have been countless others. We were unfortunately tempted by the greatest false prophet, Josh Gordon, last year. Woe unto us former Josh Gordonites. The fantasy news and projection leaders told us to take him in the draft and hold until after his 10 game suspension. We were led by Matthew Berry, Deliverer of Truths. We were led by ESPN, Ejaculator of DraftKings. We were led by each other, in our own home, /r/fantasyfootball, birthplace of the Gordonites. We followed and we trusted and we believed. We waited with masturbated breath on the results of Gordon’s trial. We had faith, we had a beautiful sense of hope, childlike hope, only to be insulted and hoodwinked by what was actually just a car salesman high on weed, and drunk on steroids mixed with wine coolers. That is no savior of ours. That is no savior of ours! Shame unto Gordon, and pity unto the Gordonites of yesteryear!
I feel rage and anticipation brewing within you all. We do not forget. So, why is Jesus Christine any different?
Christineians, I beg of you, lend me your ears further. I must share a tale with you all. This past September, on a blistering hot day, I travelled to the holy city of Jerusalem from Tel-Aviv. I made this journey to see the resting place of Jesus Christ. I am not a terribly religious man, but I couldn’t help but let my mind run free in that sacred place. Where would Jesus Christ have played? He had great hands, this we know, could he have been a wide receiver as the Gordonites would have told us? I doubt he had the size, his frame would’ve been better suited to an elusive running back, surely. These were things I wondered and contemplated. I left Christ’s last known place of resting and I walked back out into the heat from the sun’s rays, and then it happened. The Christineing’s first sign. A seagull shat on my foot. White, green, and grey. Clumpy, gooey shite, with greater weight than expected. I think it was a seagull, no way to know for sure. Why is this significant? Please lend me your ears further. This hot September day fell on the 6th of the month; the same day that Christine Michael was traded by the Seattle Seahawks to the Dallas Cowboys. The color of this shit was uncannily similar to the colors represented on the Seahawks’s jerseys, and it was bestowed upon me by a seabird. My foot was enchanted. I knew it was a sign, I just didn’t know what it meant until now. But there is more. Those shoes I was wearing (and sadly had to throw out due to age and shit), they were blue and white like the Cowboys’s jerseys, and they were Jordans. As in Michael Jordan. As in Jesus Christine Michael Jordan. Christine Michael wore number 33 for the Seahawks, that is the same age that Jesus Christ died. Christine Michael wears number 30 for the Cowboys, why is any of this relevant? It is not. What does this all mean? Does it mean Christine is either ready for this challenge or he will betray us all? I don’t know. No one knows. Does this make Christine Michael any different from the other false prophets? No.
What we do know is that our waiting period has come to an end. Everything happens for a reason. Today is Christine Michael’s trial, and may Sunday, October 25th 2015 be forever remembered regardless of the yards, carries, touchdowns, and receptions. We will learn from this day.
Continuing the blackface that we’ve seen on this subreddit earlier, I ask the people of /r/fantasyfootball football, will Christine become this?
People of /r/fantasyfootball, it does not matter if you are 0-6 or 6-0!
People of /r/fantasyfootball, we will rejoice at the successes of our new Savior, or we will riot. We will be champions, or we will be supremely disappointed at this night’s end!
People of /r/fantasyfootball, soon we will laud Christine or we will destroy Christine!
PEOPLE OF /R/FANTASYFOOTBALL!!! SHOW ME PICTURES OF CHRISTINE IN YOUR LINEUPS!!
PEOPLE OF /R/FANTASYFOOTBALL!!!
WELCOME TO THE CHRISTINEING!!!!!
WHAT TO WATCH FOR:
Turbobastard villainous Head Coach Jason Garrett, Offensive Coordinator Scott Linehan. These men determine Christine’s fate. We need to see how many carries Jesus Christine will have. It has been reported leading up to the game that he will remain a number 3 back, meaning he can have essentially no fantasy value. This is bad news for The Christineing.
The offensive line of the Cowboys, and ability to protect for the run. We need a good display from them.
The defensive line of the New York Giants. Long may they suffer.
Vibekiller Joseph Randle. One year Christine’s junior, he has seen more play this season, keeping Lord Christine on the bench. Is he a demon in disguise? I don’t want to speculate on this.
Jesus Christine, our reason to exist. He may see one carry for 2 yards. But maybe, just maybe, he will see two carries for 3 yards! We wait for you Christine.
EXPECTATIONS AND SCENARIOS:
There’s been a lot of talk of riots and whatnot on my part should this day turn south. That probably is a bit extreme. Here are the scenarios and outcomes that are most significant.
DOESN’T PLAY ENOUGH: This is the likeliest outcome. Less than 10 carries with no touchdowns or any yardage: we riot at the coaches for withholding our Savior. I suggest chants such as “DOWN WITH THE WITHHOLDERS” or “FUCK GARRETT THE WITHHOLDER.” The Christineing will continue to another week if this does turn out to be the case.
BAD GAME: 10 or more carries, poor yardage, no touchdowns, generally ineffective. In this scenario, we riot, I mean we go legit apeshit. Christine wasn’t a Savior after all, and must be punished. We fucking lose it out here. I mean we photoshop Christine getting stabbed with tridents. That’s how severe this needs to be if he is actually False Prophet. I suggest chants such as “CHRISTINE IS A FALSE PROPHET” or “HOW DO YOU HAVE SUCH GOOD TEETH? DID YOU TRADE YOUR TALENT TO THE DEVIL FOR THEM?” Have fun with it, get creative. In all fairness, the Christine hype train has been stopped by a dispatcher in recent days. Shit's been derailed. We probably will not be very outraged, more just pissed at ourselves for starting him.
HE LORDS: More carries than Vibekiller Randle, a touchdown and 60-70 yards or better: we start to laud. I mean, we probably cry tears of joy in this scenario. Maybe he puts up 100 yards. We praise Jesus Christine, we laud Jesus Christine, we dickride Jesus Christine. We force the mods to get us Christineian flairs. There are no more upgordons, only upchristines. I suggest chants such as “JESUS CHRISTINE IS OUR LORD AND SAVIOR” and “CHRISTINE RUNS FOR OUR SINS.” Again, get creative with it, we’ve found the Son of God after all.
We wait for Christine. A fantasy hero or a disgraced shell of a man. A David against a Giant’s huge D. May your fantasy teams prosper, your peens and or vagines be at full mast or hurricanial moistness respectively, and may the fantasy gods be ever in your favor.
Anyone telling you not to start Jesus Christine is a blasphemous vole of a human. We know what we are doing. Is it the right decision to play this man this week from a fantasy standpoint? No, absolutely not, so don’t give me that bullshit. The man’s a number three back, you can’t expect anything. If you are starting him like I am, you either have a thin bench, drafted too many injured RBs, are having tough bye weeks, or your dick is harder than Kobe Bryant’s knee cartilage. So why are we starting him? Because we believe, and you should too.
The Christine Michael hype train has left the station, your ticket is nonrefundable.
