I do the mental competition against other men as well. I immediately assume they grew up with a solid family, are well adjusted socially, have money and are the type of person all my ex-girlfriends are currently happier to be with than me.
I also agree on the sex element. It was dumb to try knowing that I didn't care either way. I read into redpill earlier last year and most of it unfortunately made sense. After hearing NMMNG again I was able to see so clearly that I am 'that guy' who wants to please her too much. In fact, I've never been able to let a girl give me a blowjob. I always get bored and feel uncomfortable that the focus is on me. In the book he mentions that so-and-so dealt with fears of being the center of attention. I immediately flash back to a birthday party several years ago where there were 100 some odd people who showed up and all I did was cower in a corner and nearly have a nervous breakdown during the happy birthday song. No, I'm not comfortable in my own skin and the reason I've written about my reaction to the most recent reading of the book is that I genuinely feel that it's hopeless. I'll always be this person. I've had so many incredible opportunities with amazing women and it never worked out. They are all getting married, having kids and moving in with other men. I see myself as afterthought, defined by their perception of me.
Female validation is so critical to my happiness that it makes me sick. This is what I'm getting at ... Even after reading nearly everything in the 'manosphere' (cheesy name) I am still the same person and becoming aware of all the ways I distort my desire to love and be loved makes it the more concrete.
I was over at a womans apartment saturday night for tea and we chatted for 2 hours and there was no sexual tension. Or there was and I couldn't see it. Or there was and I squashed it. I wasn't comfortable hugging her goodbye and it was awkward. I've lost the capability and desire for intimacy.
Even a hint of it or of potential feelings of the excitement of love are met immediately by intense remembrance of pain of losing last relationship. We broke up over a year ago and I haven't gotten over it. I'm a nice guy, see?
I appreciate your advice but I see all of that logically, intellectually but at my core I ultimately don't want to introduce myself or open myself up to anyone anymore. I'm actually planning on moving to a town of pop. 4000 and disappearing from NYC and the world of dating.
I can't compete with a woman's cellphone and the countless other things she could be doing instead of listening to me tell her I can't relax enough to accept a goddamn blowjob.
The core belief of toxic shame within me is so fundamental that after reading all these books including NMMNG - I identify with it all so completely as to believe it's hopeless and wish I was ignorant of my nice guy ways.
It's like finding out you are slowly going blind and it is irreversible. One of the symptoms is even the idea that you could actually get better, but that is also a phase and you're too far gone to make a genuine connection with someone. 'You had your chance, many many chances and you blew it, instead of letting them blow you' that's the broken broken record.
Aaaaaaaand now I've truly become pathetic.