you spit in my face with the first sentence buddy. If you don't see how aggressive you were than you really need help, I think maybe you're projecting your own spiral onto me. I was going to say, if you weren't trying to intentionally hit every trigger I have to try and bait me into suicide, than you really REALLY need to get some professional help to understand why you are unintentionally doing so. because baby you hit every fucking button. You either don't know what the fuck you're doing and you're wildly out of control of your own emotions and taking it out on me without being aware of it, or you're being intentionally mean, there's no other option here babe. You came at me with everything you knew would hurt.

I'm not in a spiral, here, I'm in an orbit, and I am familiarizing myself with it, and there is absolutely NOTHING that would get me committed right now, I'm actually not even scared, IF and it is a REALLY BIG IF you are even someone who could get someone to show up, which you aren't cuz that was the point of me just asking you to say my name, to draw out how OBVIOUS it is to ME that there is NO ONE who knows me in real life at all since I moved.

I wrote fifty or more pages to you trying to explain what my posts mean and what I've been doing and the song lyrics and how I'm just putting all this shit somewhere but I kept writing too much and realizing you wouldn't read it, like whoever you are, I realized I was just explaining to myself my twisted self-harm addiction unraveling.

If the cops show up saying they found posts that were concerning and they somehow even have a clue who the fuck they are looking for, I'll just tell them I'm fine and it's a joke because it is a joke, and I am stable, and I am healthy, and there's nothing they're going to see that would give them ANY reason to do anything other than apologize for disturbing our sleep schedules and triggering both me and my roommate. You are literally threatening me with kidnapping buddy. You aren't trying to double down on your faith in a system that prides itself on it's cruel treatment of the poor. (they really can't make the affordable services too easy or fun to use or else everyone will just take advantage of it so we have to be cruel.) Like, do you even know what they did to me??? When I needed their help the most and they decided to just leave me in a corner in a puddle of my own vomit for hours at a time while accusing me of faking my pain to manipulate them into giving me special treatment??? Special treatment that was little more than them sending two guards to wrestle poison into my mouth because I wasn't allowed to talk to a doctor about why they were giving me more of everything I overdosed on to try and die with. Did I TELL YOU ABOUT THAT OR NOT BECAUSE how do you explain them just increasingly torturing me? How?

How big of a mistake are they allowed to make?

I overdosed and they decided to just KEEP OVERDOSING ME because they would rather choose to believe I'm a dirty drug addict who just likes making people miserable.

THEY TORTURED ME

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fuck

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I'm realizing you don't care, there's no way someone who cares about me would approach me like this, you played the games first. You triggered me first, and you can play dumb if you want but I'm not fucking buying it, you hate me. I'm sorry for what I did to you, I really am, if I even fucking ever knew you, which barely seems likely.

I don't NEED help, that's what I'm saying, I'm doing better than I have in a long time and there's no risk of me being involuntarily committed, not because there's also literally no one in real life you possibly could contact to get anyone to come to my place. But cuz I'm not in a fucking crisis, you're assuming me coming to the internet to vent my emotions instead of acting them out on my body is cause for concern but I fucking see it as an improvement.

And there's no one in my life even remotely close to mike or michelle?? There is no one even close to that name in my life.

My roommate is the single only person in the world who has ANY clue and he's ready to tear into you himself, he knows about this profile, lol.

I find this EXTREMELY AMUSING. in that really fucking painful kind of way where I almost hope you don't really know me cuz I really hate thinking I was ever this bad at gauging someone's character.

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You are attacking me, you are threatening me with involuntary commitment without even trying to take the time to listen to me. Have you even met me? Where do you think I put my suicidal ideation I've dealt with since I was 3 years old? It doesn't just go away, I write it out because I can sit and cry at my computer and guess what, THE WORLD DOESNT END WHEN I DO. Unlike when I try to reach out or talk to someone.

You have to see that. You have to know how I feel about therapy if you know me, you have to know how much this hurts me.

you are just insulting me. and getting off on it I think.

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honestly I'm starting to think you actually don't know who you are talking to at all. Like legit, like, seriously, do you have -any- name that you can say about me to even try??? Like for real, there is no one you can possibly send information to, I'm not trying to be difficult here, there really is no one besides my roommate who has any clue what state I'm living in now, so I'm honestly curious if you're somehow REALLY confusing me with some other fucking nutcase.

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and I'm not alone here, but the only people who I do talk to, are fully aware of this account and talk to me knowing that I'm just being weird and venting because it needs somewhere to go. No one is worried I'm going to drop dead.

Metaphorically however, yeah, I'm dead, I guess, considering I could very well just be words on a screen right now, there would be no difference in the world between me deleting this account or me dying in real life.

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Its funny

cuz I was gonna delete most of my posts after the anniversary that;'s coming up in a day that I've been trying to prepare for,

preparing being letting myself just sort of wallow in misery because I don't know how to grieve, and it feels like every time I try to prepare to "deal" with one of these things I know upsets me, it backfires, so I was just

leaning into losing my mind because my mind is the problem, my whole world revolves around self hate

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you think this is a spiral, because I'm screeching and making a fuss

in reality? I recognized myself in the mirror for the first time a week ago,

I actually work out, and I've gotten in shape, like a real shape, like I was looking in the mirror and when I flex, things change dramatically kind of shape and I'm standing there in this awe

this sick

shameful

prideful

completely new emotion I can't name

of looking forward to what time might do.

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but yeah, please come and fuck this up for me, because honestly, things like this are really the kind of signs that make me think I really should give up trying to like myself and live my life the only way I can, so if it'll help you sleep at night to do everything in your power to rip the rug out from under me, by all means, I still care about you more than I care about myself somehow, so try if you really think you know so fucking well.