I deal with a lot of anxiety. I survived some childhood trauma caused by my own father leaving, my Mother being a an addict in recovery, and he boy friend being an abusive addict actively using. Chlidhood trauma often causes interruptions to childhood development. As a child my world was chaos. I didn't understand that the adults in my life sometimes spanked me because I was bad and sometimes they hurt me because they were just high and out of their minds. These changes could happen to anyone at any time so my role was to always be on guard. Hyper-vigilance like this can cause a lot of stress. I often compartmentalize my behaviour so that I am always at a minimal risk of being judged, bullied, or whatever. Anything negative, in my mind, is capable escalating so I try to control. And that's where control comes in.

A lot of dominant people in D/l, D/s whatever kind of play. A lot of it boils down to control. Some people like to fight to earn their control. They want submissives to struggle-fuck with or resist or whatever. But for me, I like to be handed my control.

When I was ageplaying (and this was really only a brief online relationship) I felt like I had someone who was willing to allow me to take a a sort of gentle, non-sadistic control. To me the real attraction to ageplay is that the subs are a little less masochistic and seem to want more nurturing dominance. All the "Daddy, may I cum please" and "No baby girl, you have to clean up your tea party first" bullshit roleplay is a fun game and all, but for me the real "daddy-space" comes from being handed total control. Knowing that I'm in charge of another person reminds me that I am in charge of myself, and in charge of my world around me.

I took a sort of intelligence test when I started college a couple of years ago. I was 31 at the time and was surprised to find out how well I did on the test. I had always been a C student and well, I guess that's all besides the point. It was while meeting with the psychologist who gave the test that I learned about how much my trauma was holding me back and it was recommended that I seek therapy, which I've been happily doing. My therapist and I have been looking at a lot of my attitudes and behaviours and my sense of chaos and control is a major driving force for me.

With submission, especially when I'm really deep in a sub's mind there's this feeling of too much control that's just fucking intoxicating. Sometimes I'll be building a scene for a girl and thinking about how confusing, disorienting, and erotic this experience is going to be for her and I start to get scared thinking that this is going too far or going to be too much and I feel bad for wanting to push forward, but then when my sub gives me that enthusiastic, informed, and even pleading consent it just reminds me that I am beautiful in all of my flaws ad that my partner cares about me.

I mentioned that I only got into ageplay for a little bit and that's because I had a little lie to me and it just destroyed everything. Being in "daddy-space" when shit like that happens is just fucking hell. All that control I thought I had? poof. Gone. My sense of safety, acceptance, and love? All gone. Living with the fear of being outed by a pissed off-ex? That was a rough year or so... I still worry.

For me, "daddy-space" was my own little bubble. It was a bubble that my babygirl made for me and gave to me. I trusted it and I could relax and be myself and just take a moment and know that everything around me was going to be ok because I was going to make it ok. The bubble became the only place I could feel this way. Then my babygirl popped my bubble, and I was lost for a bit. Now I'm just working on my bullshit and taking real control of my life so that every day can be like "daddy-space" was.