Hi there.
Line commentary
I vaguely recognized many of the people from the trip.
This kind of sentence is how you miss out on a great opportunity to give us a little glimpse into what these people look like. Which would qualify as necessary background for our brains to start visualizing your universe, without feeling like you are force-feeding us those images. Seriously. Add me some descriptions there.
I vaguely recognized many of the people from the trip. That man with the literal blue beard. The big-eyed twins who wouldn't let go of each other's hands. (Maybe even) The Andro couple who waved and winked at us when we boarded.
I was thankful that despite being crowded, the bar was surprisingly quiet. [...] I hate being loud.
I'm sure you can find a more subtle way to let us know this without having the character actually turn to the reader and spell it out.
Despite being crowded, the bar was surprisingly quiet. It meant I didn’t have to shout. That was a relief.
Thanking her, I turned and quickly spotted the stairs, against one bare-metal wall.
Is your character literally turning at the same at as saying "Thank you?"
I sat down next to xem, smiling.
Here you missed another chance to show us more of your character's personality without forcing us to read a dating website profile. "Smiling" could be "with a smile plastered across my face", "blushing", or a simpler, a grin. Is it a lusting or an innocent smile? Just give us something, because your character is just plain bland right now.
slightly too large, iridescent eyes
Please no. This bit is awkward.
I could see myself in xis great, iridescent eyes, and the Earth over my shoulder.
I could see my reflection in xis oversized, strangely iridescent eyes, and even the Earth over my shoulder.
I could see my clear reflection in xis great, almost too big, bewildering eyes - my own eyes, my smile, and even the Earth over my shoulder.
I placed my hand on his cheek and smiled back.
Xis, right?
It was my parents. And my grandparents, and every family member they could rally together. My family has been genetically puritanical since before The Last War. For nearly two centuries, they’ve turned up their noses at cyborgs, looked down on splicers and on a few occasions, picketed h-plus clinics. And then I did something unforgivable: I brought home an Androgyne. Rowan. We’d met at a book-swap, where xe introduced me to Sir Pratchett. I’d heard of him in my humanist history courses, but I’d never read him. Rowan changed that. In fact, Rowan changed many things about me. I’d never met an Androgyne before; my parents were firmly against them. They said that the creation of Androgynes during The Last War was “a sin” and that “those things have no souls”. But I brought Rowan home anyway. Because I loved xim, and xe loved me. I felt tears well up at the memory of that night. They had called xim “it” as if xe were a thing. Like an idiot, I had tried to correct them about pronouns. Later I realized they knew, they just didn’t care.
This whole part is very compact and generally is lacking flavor, color, sound, anything that would help us connect.
It was my parents. And my grandparents, and every family member they could rally together. Genetic Puritans, all of them, even since before The Last War. I grew up watching them turn up their noses at cyborgs, look down on splicers. Sometimes, they even picketed h-plus clinics. I even went with them, once, before I knew what it was.
These people, for their faults, embraced me as one of their own, sheltered and loved me - until I did something unforgivable. Until I brought home an Androgyne. Rowan.
We’d met at a book-swap, where xe introduced me to Sir Pratchett. I’d heard of him before, he was part of the curriculum. I did have humanist history courses. But I’d never read him. Rowan changed that.
*In fact, xe changed many things about me. I’d never met an Androgyne before; my parents would never have let me near them. They associated the birth of Androgynes with the Last War. Called their creation a sin. "Those things have no souls", they said.
But I brought Rowan home anyway. Because I loved xim, and xe loved me. Because that should have been enough.
Tears well up every time my mind wanders back to the memory of that day. Of how they had called xim “it” as if xe were a thing.
Like an idiot, I had tried to correct them about pronouns, only to realize they knew exactly what they were saying.
“Mars,” I said with glee as xe pulled me to my feet.
You don't have to say anything here.
Mars, I though with glee as xe pulled me to my feet.
Hand in hand, we walked downstairs… where a man stood with demolition charges strapped to his chest.
Too quick.
Hand in hand, we walked downstairs where the gasping bar crowd stood, mesmerized by a man with demolition charges strapped to his chest.
My older brother.
That's not the first thing you think when you see your brother. First, you think their name. Then you think a couple memories. Then you think "oh right, that's my brother."
Johnny. He's still wearing his hair long, but the beard's new. John A. Bradson. My older - my only brother.
You! And "it"!
I'd go for "that".
"You. YOU!" His pupils were so big his irises had almost disappeared. "Why are YOU here?" He stared at me, then spotted Rowan. His jaw clenched. "You're here... with that!"
I was completely dumbfounded. I felt numb all over. My voice seemed to come from light-years away. “John. John, please. Please don’t. Please. Please....”
This is too quick, too simple, and too much telling. Let us savor this moment, it's one of the most important in the story.
*I stood there, so numb I couldn't feel the floor under my feet, my heart inside my chest, or Rowan's hand still holding onto mine. I couldn't find the words. All I could do was beg. "John", I said, or rather I think I did. I couldn't hear myself. "John, please. Please, don't, please..."
His arms dropped to his sides limply. Something fell from his hand. As if in slow-motion, several security guards tackled him to the floor.
At this point, I am guessing he has been shot/tazed to death? I'd be nice if that were clear. If you don't want a noise, maybe just a flash of light would make it clear that he was hit. When I read it the first time, I thought the brother had decided not to kill them, and instead let go of his detonator willingly, which changes a lot. I personally would have liked that better, but that's your choice.
General commentary
I liked your story. The idea is good and the general pace is what it should be. However, there are a couple things that make it not as good as it could be.
I am not informed enough about your main character. This doesn't simply come down to personal taste. I need to know who this person is to decide to like them, to feel engaged, to be on their side. I shouldn't find out who your character is after a couple pages - you should hint it sooner, even through glimpses of personality. I like that we don't know the gender of your protagonist though, that you should keep. Still, I want to know if this is an awkward kid, or a bold young adult. All I have is "Ah ah, you think you're clever with your word games" and "I don't like to be loud." That doesn't cut it.
Books and "therefore, love" is not enough. We're coming down to the same problem. I get the feeling that Rowan is supposed to be more flamboyant, loving, bold, proud than your MC, but you're barely showing it. He "changed a lot of things" - like the fact that I had never seen an Androgyne. That's awesome. You could have spotted one on the other side of the road and that would have been the same thing. Did xe free your MC? Help open some doors? Did they have fun? Take a couple lines to let us know. Make links.
He took me to cafés, and bars, and concerts, and museums, and beaches. I had my first coffee, my first Daiquiri, I danced and learned and had so much fun.
Not enough description. I think you could afford to write with a lot of more detail in general. You could afford to insert some description of the bar at least, it would put a background to what is going on.
Some inconsistencies. In retrospect, I don't buy that your character calls the woman over then forgets what for, considering how important Rowan is.
Overall, don't feel discouraged, this is a good story. It just needs some editing.
堅忍不抜