First let me just say please don't kill yourself. Please I really mean that, this is coming from someone who's happens to be feeling suicidal right now. I know I'm not you, I know I don't feel YOUR very real and very distressing pain, but I think maybe we might share in some feelings. I know HRT and surgery aren't perfect, and I definitely understand the distress of looking to the future and facing the possibility that I might never be a true woman. I feel pain every day when I look at my body too, I'm very masculine and large in build. I played Football growing up and I was usually the biggest guy on the line. The reason I'm saying this is because I want you to know I'm not coming from a position of passing, I've never passed before. I'm not coming from a position where my build allows me to wear almost any of the clothes I want to. I think I'm coming from a position not totally unlike yours.
I won't lie to you because I respect the pain you're in and the skepticism you feel towards others trying to help, life as a trans person is hard. It's incredibly hard. It can be cry yourself to sleep every single night for six months hard. But I believe that despite it being hard it can be something worth living for. I'm not going to sit here and feed you the whole "it gets better" line cause we don't ever get to be wise to life's rises and falls. But with all my being I do believe things can be different than they are right now.
It sounds like culturally, from your lived experience Korea is not a healthy place for you to be. I don't know your position but is it possible to move somewhere else that has a more accepting culture surrounding trans people? I know Canada and the US have some amazing cities where you'd not only be more accepted but could potentially have access to custom clothiers who produce clothing from all around the world. No where is perfect for trans people right now but honestly some places are better and more accepting than others. Also I have to imagine that it must be possible to find someone in Korea that could make custom clothes in the meantime in the fashion that you desire. Maybe you could look into that? Heck I even now a trans lady that learned to sew just so she could make the clothes she wanted in her size.