"The latest customer data is in and we have a problem. At this rate, Star Wars is going to die."

"How come?"

"Well you see, Rian Johnson made Star Wars... political."

"But it's always been political."

"No, you don't understand. It's political, but everyone thinks the message is for them. Left-wingers love the rebellious spiritual aesthetic and right-wingers love the dominant male power fantasies. It's a very delicate balance and Rian Johnson has ruined it."

"What did he do?"

"He made a powerful male figure weak and pathetic."

"Luke? But there's no way he could still be a hero after fleeing the galaxy and letting it fall to the First Order."

"It doesn't matter. We've never seen a split in our fanbase like this. It's torn everyone apart. Star Wars will be synonymous with controversy. We have to figure out a way to unite the fanbase again or we'll never come back from this."

"Unite the fanbase, you say? I have an idea."

"What is it?"

"You'll see. Get JJ Abrams on the phone and tell him... 'go nuts.'"