You’re very young, but, you feel what you feel. You can’t control to whom you’re attracted to because it’s part of who you fundamentally are. Talk to somebody, maybe from a nearby LGBT+ group. It will help you to discuss what’s going on. Find a person, or group, you’re comfortable with and can learn to trust.

Hating yourself because you can’t conform to what your grandparents expect you to be is just plain wrong. I agree with those who have lived for a time in denial that pretending to be straight will hurt you more than anyone else. And good for those girls by not allowing themselves to be used. That’s what you were trying to do. Because you’re afraid.

I understand your fear of being kicked out. Save your money if you can, and find others to emoji support you when you decide you’re ready to come out. You may need some key of financial help too.

Make plans. Get ready for the day when you will live as your true self. There’s no timeline, but do give yourself time and grace to love yourself. As you are. It may not be popular for me to say this here, but God doesn’t make mistakes. You are perfect as are. You are who you were meant to be.

I have a young nephew who nearly destroyed himself because when he was an older teenager, he couldn’t accept himself as gay. He got involved in some very destructive behaviors. He went to his church asking for help. They didn’t give him help; they condemned him. I didn’t know that until a few years later when his rage for how people that were supposed to love him unconditionally, didn’t. Well, I told him the same thing I just wrote. He is perfectly made, and I love him as he is. He’s out now, 30, living and loving as he’s meant to be. It’s been a process. But you can grow and learn to be happy with yourself. I’m still learning! It’s worth it.

Your grandparents may never accept you as gay. That’s their loss, and if you love them, it will hurt. But isn’t it more important to accept yourself? You’re the only one who can, & will, live your life. I’m an older, Bisexual woman who spent many years hating myself for that (and a few other) reasons. It’s a sad waste of energy and life force. And there are NO do-overs. FYI, I came out to my DIL’s just a couple of years ago! They love me as I am. Well, I don’t know you, but I’m sending you love. As you are right now.