GD2

Loneliness is not a conundrum, it’s a choice. And it can be defeated. It is human intuition, a mirror inside us, to either stare into or smother in trust. I’m trying to build the trust. I want us to be one. I wish to make us discernible. You are mine and I wish to wear you with pride.

Your insides are my insides and I love you like a prego pony loves her body. I love you more than life. I love you as close to unconditionally a human can. I am not scared of losing you or feel malicious towards. A part of you has settled in me, forever. I will always and have always believed in you. There is not much more to say except that sometimes, I feel this certain urge to run away with you.

This was written on the back of a restaurant menu and given to me in the summer of 2009. I still have that menu. But not the person. I am of the opinion that you never get over a person. But only with the understanding that people change. That person I loved is someone else now and sad as it may seem, she will never be that person again. And neither will I.

With time, I have grown. I have learned to love and, completely, trust again. But a part of her has settled in me forever. Some of her habits are mine now. I was watching Peaky Blinders the other day and a scene grabbed me by scruff and dragged me back to a time when I was with her. I felt so weak then. Some songs, books, and even shoes, have a similar effect.

It is like scars in your body and in your leather shoes. You can cover it with tattoos or polish and whatever the psychological equivalent of that is. But, it doesn't expire. It resides inside and surfaces every now and then. Anything can trigger it. If one has decided to let go then one has to come to terms with this fact. And learn to live with it. After all, few things are more beautiful than the forgotten shreds of something magnificent.