I recently came to the conclusion I've suffered from low grade depression since around the age of ten. I use to associate my negative outlook with specific things I perceived being wrong with my life. After giving it some thought, I noticed I bounce around with these specific issues, forgetting one and bouncing to the next. As if I'm looking for an excuse or reason for my depression. Basically, I'm thinking the real problem is just this continual cycle as opposed to the actual issues. And I'm feeling good about this, because it seems much more rational. I'm happy I've identified the real problem.

Around the age of 15 I began smoking marijuana daily. This helped mask my problem, shut off that negative voice in my head. Not long in however, the tables turned. Now marijuana actually makes that negative perception worse. I have less control over irrational thought patterns when I'm high. It's puzzling to me. Unfortunate as well, because I quite enjoy toking it up but the negative now outweighs the positive. So at the age of 24, I decided to stop smoking, essentially identifying it as a major contributor towards my bad thought patterns. I've had stages with alcohol, benzos and opiates as well. Not as chronic as my marijuana use, more periodical. It's funny though, it's like my inner monologue is too powerful for the drugs now. I see right through the high and I'm not able to enjoy these drugs anymore. A good thing I suppose.

Since embracing the reality of my chronic depression and forgoing the drugs, I've been feeling much better. I still have occasional times were my mind spirals into negative fucksville. But much less frequently. And I'm able to step back and say hey, that thought completely irrational and very much not set in stone.

Sorry to rant, but I felt like talking about it.