My husband I have been together since we were both 21. We got married after 5 years of living together and have been monogamously together now for 15 years. We're in our mid 30's, no plans to have kids. This is what I've learnt: * Always have your partner's back. When it comes down to it, it's your team against the world. You are best friends. If you're NOT best buds, then you shouldn't be there. With the daily stresses of life - bills, debt, parents/family being ill, one or both of you being ill, the daily household stuff etc, it can get overwhelming and you forget sometimes that you're on the same team, that you're fighting the same fight. It's very easy to forget sometimes when you're under a lot of stress.
The small things really do matter. Tonight my husband came home and instituted this new thing where we say each night 2 things that we love about each other. It was actually really great because we hadn't ever done that. We both felt so good afterwards and it healed a lot of hurtful things that we'd said in the past under stress. Make things like that a habit. That's what will save a marriage. If you always rely on on the good stuff or the 'gains', you'll always be disappointed.
Say 'thank you' and mean it every time when your partner does something nice for you. Both partners in the house have to contribute and do jobs they hate. A 'thank you' and a hug really go a long way.
An apology is better than dragging an argument out over days and ruining your special time together. Whether you're wrong or right, that's not the point. Be quick to apologise. You never know when it's the last time that you'll see that person. No argument is worth that. Just apologise, eat a big slice of humble pie. Accept the immutable truth that being with that person and being happy, beats being right every time. When you're married for long enough, you won't even remember what you started arguing about anyway. If it's not a 'deal breaker' issue, it's not worth it. Apologise and move the fuck on. Life is too short.
Compliment each other often. Find someone about your spouse you like, and mention it. New shirt they look good in? Say it. Having a good hair day? Tell them. Always remember that people need validation. If you never have anything nice to say about your spouse, then you need to question what you're doing in the relationship or more importantly ask yourself if you're really trying. If your spouse doesn't feel attractive to you or desired in any way, there's someone out there who will give them that. Don't get complacent.
Actually LOOK at your spouse when they're not aware and really SEE them. Sometimes you around each other so often that you forget what drew you to them in the first place. They become background noise between Life happening. That is cancer in a marriage because you forget. It's human nature to get accustomed to the familiar. Nip that in the bud and don't allow it to become a habit.
Don't ever lie about 'deal breaker' issues. If your spouse truly knows you, they know before you've done whatever that you're going to do it, and they know during and after. Lying about it is the ultimate insult. Lies are death to a marriage. Have the balls to tell the truth. Respect your partner enough to tell the truth and accept the consequences. Lies will erode a marriage like a voracious type of rust from within. If you have to lie, then once again, you shouldn't be in that relationship because ultimately, you're screwing both of you over and it's a waste of both your time and your dignity.
Ask yourself sincerely - would I take a bullet or bullets for this person and be glad to do it? Would I get shot point blank in the face multiple times for this person and go out with a grin on my face? If you have to think about it overlong and start making caveats like 'well, if they were' or 'If I was' you know that you need to make changes. That isn't even a question. It's a given.
Always put your partner ahead of yourself. Give them the nicer and bigger plate of food. Give them the spot under the air con in the middle of summer because you'd rather be hot than they be hot. Always make sure you save them the hot water and the piece of something they really like in the fridge. Because that's what you do. That's how the frack you make a marriage work.
Hold hands. For no reason at all. You'd be amazed how quickly little habits like that 'drop off'. Keep at it. It's amazing for both parties and makes the difference between 'I'm walking' to 'I'm walking with YOU. No amount of cards or boxes of chocolates can buy that shit.
It's really late on my part of the world, so I'm signing off. I hope someone out there got some inspiration. Marriage ain't for sissies. Be sure, and give it your all. Too many people quit too easy. Marriage can be a wonderous thing if you just tend that garden. x