I suffer from depression and anxiety and for twenty years it's been preventing me from enjoying backpacking including my dream of hiking the PCT. Over the years I've tried to force myself into the woods in various ways, but I've never managed to stay out alone longer than two nights, three days.

On that trip I was dropped off at dusk on the first night, with plans to be picked up in five days. I backpacked the entire 27 miles over the next two days. By the time I'd hiked five miles I was determined to move forward rather than go back and make the call. By the first night I was crawling on the trail at points. I stopped at dark, set up my tent, sat there for a while, packed everything up again, crossed the river, and then couldn't find the trail to continue in the dark. I had to cross back and set up my tent and cry myself to sleep. In the morning I easily found the trail and hiked the rest of the way to the other trailhead, highway, store and phone where I was picked up before dark.

More recently I drove six hours to Sonora Pass to backpack for at least one night, though I carried enough food for three, started north on the trail, sat down on a log after a little ways, decided to go home. Drove six hours back.

I've done similar variation on the long planning, purchasing and packing, permit, long drive, short hike, give up, hike back and go home the same day.

One year I signed up for a PCT permit, but didn't go. The next year I planned three week long trips in different areas of the Sierra, planned, packed food for each, got permits for each, and didn't go on any of them.

I still haven't given up. Though I've given up on the idea of going alone. I have all the gear, have all the skills, everything except the emotional resilience. And for me this means I need the right person or people with me for support and to assuage the loneliness and other horrible things I feel.

This summer I went on my first backpacking trip since 2010, this time with my family, and we stayed two nights, three days, broke camp at dawn on the third day.