I trust that my partners orgasm when they tell me that they have, but I also do leave the door open to the possibility to that they might be faking it, but I also trust that if they are they are doing it for a good reason. But I strive to make my partner feel comfortable that they can just tell me if they're done without hurting my feelings. I would rather know the truth so that we can at least be on the same page about what's happening, what's working, and where we're at. But this requires lots of honest and open communication.

One of the most important things I've learned is that it doesn't have to be about the orgasm. Orgasms are nice, they make us feel good, and they make our partner feel good about being a part of our orgasm. But if we get too hang up on needing to orgasm then we can add a lot of pressure to sex (when actually the list thing we need in that moment to come is a lot of sex). When I am stimulating my partner and they've told me that they're a little in their head and not sure if they are going to come, I tell them that it's okay and if they're still enjoying it I'm going to keep going. And that it's okay if they don't come, I'm enjoying pleasuring them. Nine times out of ten they come shortly after I say this. Sometimes people just need to not feel selfish, to relax, and to be okay with coming or not. But in order for this to consistently work, I have to be genuinely okay with them not coming that one time out of ten, and be able to let it go.

My partners come nearly every time we have sex, as far as I know. And I think foreplay plays a huge role in that. Kissing is an easy step to skip, but it can really get the juices going and take the pressure off of feeling like you have to "perform". And I almost always go down on my partner and/or touch them before we have sex. And this is where that honest and open communication comes in again. There are general things about pleasing a person that applies to all people that you can learn over time, but I feel that I'm always learning. Most people understand that different people like different things, but what makes it even more complicated is that the same person can like different things at different times. I try to go into foreplay and sex with no routine or expectations, following the pleasure and the impulse. And this requires that my partner feels comfortable being honest with me about what is feeling good in the moment. Not to mention that it requires that my partner knowing what feels good in the moment.

Some people, particularly women, did not grow up learning about their bodies in the same ways that others might have. Masturbation is incredibly important when it comes to sex, in my opinion, because the more you masturbate the more comfortable you feel with pleasure, and the more you understand about your body and what feels good to it. If I'm seeing someone who doesn't or maybe has rarely ever masturbated, I encourage it. I'll encourage them to touch themselves while we have sex, or we'll watch each other masturbate (if they feel comfortable with that). When we dirty talk on the phone while I'm away I might ask them if they've masturbated and what they were thinking about.

Like all things in life your ability to get something isn't based off of whether or not you want it, but how much you're willing to suffer for it. In this case it's good sex, and it's a lot of constant hard work. Talking about your feelings, learning about each other's bodies, having lots of patience (for foreplay, for orgasms happening or not happening, for just generally getting better at sex) and letting go of your ego a little bit.