I used to have pretty horrible untreated depression. Got treatment and meds, and only then did I realize that I’d been a bit suicidal all the time. Not to the point of making a plan, but such that I liked abusing drugs and other things that made me feel like I was slipping into oblivion and secretly felt that if I died because of these behaviors I’d be ok with that.

Now, I can say with confidence that I’m 0% suicidal…but now I’m fucking petrified of death. I think that feeling suicidal for so long, I missed out on a lot of ‘coming to grips with your mortality’ time because I was secretly thinking ‘that actually sounds…kinda nice.’

Now the idea of just…ending, one day sends me into an existential dread tailspin if I think about it for too long. Still working on that.