I don't know how to deal with my emotions, I either close myself up completely, basically become emotionally paralyzed, or I try to deal, and all I end up doing is crying my fucking eyes out.

I was using the first method for quite some time, but then I met my now girlfriend, once I got to know her I realised that she is the most beautiful, lovely, funny and sweet person I have ever met, and that I want to develop a long term, meaningful relationship.

Now I'm in phase two. Because I think that you can't be cold, and closed off, but still let someone in, trust them, love them. I cry every day, sometimes less, sometimes more intensly. Most during the night time. I just can't believe that someone like her could love me, and then I realize that there's no reason for me to feel like this, which makes me more angry at myself, which makes me feel even more weak... And so on, and so on. Basically a positive feedback loop of tears and self hate. We have been together for a bit more than a year and a half. I can't escape the feeling that I will fuck up the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I want to be strong. For her. For myself.