I used to think I was asexual. I was the same as your wife - never really wanted to do it, wanted to get it over with, and would prefer just masturbating together. Sex kind of hurt and left me sore cos I wouldn't get wet enough and it would go on for ages. I wanted to do it for whoever was my partner at the time, to make them happy, but I got little out of it. I felt deeply stressed by the whole thing, which made it even harder to enjoy.

Then I met my current partner. He took the time to work out exactly what I like. Turns out I just wasn't getting what I needed from the other dudes. I really didn't know what I needed back then, and they didn't show any interest in trying to work it out with me. They made me feel guilty for not wanting it more. I was too shy to talk about it properly, and so were they.

I used to just feel bad for taking too long to orgasm, and it stressed me out. This made it even harder to cum. Now, I love sex. I'd do it every day if I could. My partner takes it slow to warm me up, makes me feel spoiled and important, males me feel like he enjoys the non-piv bits. I love paying attention to every part of him and trying all different stuff. I can still only enjoy about 5 minutes or so of piv before it hurts, but after an hour of fooling around with my mouth, doing it in the butt, and any manner of other stuff, I think we still get a good run. I wasn't enjoying it before because it wasn't giving me orgasms before, and because it hurt. I have spoken to other women too who tell me it feels uncomfortable after a few minutes. I think some women normalise the idea that sex will hurt a bit - maybe cos you're told it's normal for it to hurt at the start. It was leaving me feeling frustrated and unfulfilled.

I figured maybe this would give you some ideas as to how you can approach the problem. I was similar to your wife, but it turns out it wasn't a mismatch in libido, it was a matter of me not getting what I needed before. I started getting horny for my partner when I started associating sex with having orgasms and being attended to, and when I stopped having sex that felt uncomfortable.