I also in my early twenties. Never even been on a real date. Maybe a couple of pseudo dates. I don't believe myself when I say that either though. The closest thing I've had to love is having a crush on a girl in college, which never went anywhere. I'm beyond crushing over people, because my mind want let me anymore. I'm too lonely and desensitized from being lonely for so long that I mostly just feel numb about it. I've mostly just accepted it, and just hope that I can find enough passion for my work and hobbies to be satisfied with my life.

It doesn't make the deep need for physical affection go away though. I hug a pillow when I sleep. I hug myself every once and awhile not because I'm just choosing to do it, but as a knee jerk reaction whenever I have sad (or even happy) thoughts.

I want so badly to have somebody that I can love. Of course I want to be loved back, but so often I just really want to have someone I can be romantic to. I feel like I'd be good at that sort of thing, but maybe I wouldn't be. There's no fucking way for me to even know because I've never had anybody like that in my life. I just graduated, so naturally, all of my friends are either engaged or already married. I wish I was exaggerating. Not 100%, but it's damn close. And the other ones have at least had relationships before. I've had nothing. Not a single one.

And I hate myself too, because it's all my fault. I'm so lonely because I'm so shy and introverted. I also refuse to do online dating for whatever reason. I just don't like the Idea of casually meeting up with someone you don't even know with the intent to strike up a romantic relationship.

I need to stop now. I'm reaching the point where I say "Fuck it, I'm deleting this post".