Got inspired by http://redd.it/2rcxcq
24 M in a relationship with a girl.
A little background story: When I was 13-15y.o. I was molested by a middle-aged man. Though I never really consider it a molestation but more of a relationship(now is the only time I have a word for that experience because I was just a kid then; I'm yet to have pubic hairs) because he made me feel happy, loved, and taken care of. I'm no therapist but I think it affected my sexuality. What started of him jerking me off gradually turns to oral, intercrural, and anal sex(me penetrating him). It just stopped one day because I didn't get to see him anymore. Maybe I become older than his preference. or he moved away.
Since then, my physical attraction to guys grew. All throughout my teenage years I thought I was gay because of having impure thoughts about guys, though you wouldn't know I was because I'm fairly discreet.
It was in college where I met my friend, we become close of which gained me a title of a bestfriend. She doesn’t know my sexuality before as I hid it so good. Little did I know, the time we have spent, the secrets we have shared and the things we have known to each other lead her to falling inlove with me. I eventually told her about my past and sexuality and she's cool about it(though drama ensued when I told her, but I won’t go into details). Now she is my girlfriend which I'm grateful because she accepts me of who I am.
It’s just I feel like I'm unworthy of her love and everything she does for me because I'm more attracted to guys. I already told her about how I feel because we communicate about all this being best friends beforehand, honesty and trust with each other is incomparable I can say. Consequently, our relationship become open. But even if it is, the guilt I’m putting on myself just by thinking I would date guys over her just hurts, saddened, weakened me that I won’t be able to do it.
I don’t know if I’m only hurting because I’m thinking about her as my closest friend or because I’m slowly learning to love her as her lover. What I know right now, is that it’s not the latter because at the moment I can’t think of her as my lifetime partner.
She always ease the burden I’m feeling when we talk about this issue by substantially saying to me to take things as they are right now, that she loves me and wants me to be happy and will support me in everything if I decided on which path I’ll go. But in the meantime, she wanted me to try to love her more than as a friend, and I think she deserves that from me. What I’m hoping is that time will eventually help me decide if I truly love her more than my attraction to men.
I know I'm the asshole here because she's giving me all she can give (Herself, time and efforts)just to make our relationship work, but why can't I feel her the way I have been thinking I would feel if I’m with a guy? (the only guy I’ve been with was the guy who molested me)
I’m torn if I would continue to doing this to her, because I’m getting what I want from her but the only thing my girlfriend is getting from me is the hope that my love for her will grow the way hers to mine. It hurts because I’m willing to let her go but she doesn’t want to and asked just let her love me. I want her not to waste much time and unrequited love for me as she could have done that with some other guy that can do the same thing for her. It pains me thinking that I’m using my beloved bestfriend.