Man oh man, I think about this way too much.

I never know how to even bring it up so for the most part I try to just forget about it. I hate being told the "you're so strong" nonsense and the way people look at you and talk once they find out you've been molested. Anyway, it was done to me by one of my mom's boyfriends. There was a lot of grooming, the usual being rewarded with trips and toys, and of course intimidation. My mom enabled a lot of it because she was being abused by him. She'd force me to say certain things and have me rehearse over and over again what to say so nobody would find out and she wouldn't get hit any more.

I'm sure you can guess we don't talk much anymore because she likes to believe something different happened. Eventually they got too violent fighting and the police came and broke it up while they also took the bf away . While he was in jail he'd call and ask to talk to me so that he could keep us in fear. He was smart enough not to directly threaten over the phone so the conversation were always innocent on the outside, but even then as a young kid I knew something wasn't right. And for what it's worth this guy was a total nut job. He had a whole other family he tried to move in with us and he had recently broken out of prison from another state.

I cannot find the words to describe the sense of betrayal and fear I felt living around this situation. My mom would freak out and abuse me because I would say something that would cause the bf to suspect her of cheating so he'd beat her and then she would beat me and I'd get molested while she left to work. I became an atheist around this time because I couldn't believe in a god letting this happen to me. I knew it was wrong yet my mom would tell me I was an awful child that was spoiled and deserved everything that happened to me.

So from then on I retreated into depression starting at age 6 and exploding when I was a teenager. I couldn't stand being around my mom. I couldn't stand her trying to play everything off like she didn't do anything wrong. I couldn't stand being told I was never molested and only brought it up for attention. I had my whole family turned against me and I continued to act out even worse. I'm not innocent here having been molested isn't an excuse to go and be a degenerate, but it was the only way I knew how to cope. So I started selling drugs and doing them often at around 14. This went all the way to when I was 19 and decided I didn't want that anymore.

So here I am at 24 years old absolutely miserable. I hate my mother for letting this happen to me. I hate the police for letting that scumbag get away. I find anymore all I feel is hatred anger and shame. I have lost most of my friends due to my drug abuse and erratic behavior. I'm painfully lonely and have never had a girlfriend and likely never will. I truthfully believe what happened to me happened because I'm just weak and the rest of the world can sense it. I'm not meant to be functioning because I can't move past this. Some days it's all I think about and all I want is to dish out some pain to someone else. Sometimes I just want to give up. But mostly it's just this grey feeling inside of me every day. It's funny to look back to one event and realize that's what made you snap. That's what broke you. To those of you who have been in a similar situation or are going though it now - talk to somebody. Don't be like me and hold in all that anger and pain. Find a friend, therapist, relative, anybody and just talk. Work though it or it will consume you like it's consumed me. Because all I can think about anymore is how much I hate my family for having let this happen. And how much I hate myself for being weak. I hate scumbag fucking cop I see and I hate even more when I hear them laugh about sending someone to jail to get raped. I hate that rape is an "accepted" part of prison. Most of all I hate myself and I'll probably be a homeless drug addict at 25 and dead in the streets by 30.