Ferris Bueler's Day Off. There's a scene in it where Ferris talks about trying to get Cameron laid, because he's worried he'll fall in love with the first girl he sleeps with in college.

I was a shy and awkward kid, and that statement was hugely influential. I've always had kind of bizarrely high standards, given how unsuccessful I was in high school, and that sealed the deal for me. I was worried that I'd meet someone sub-par, sleep with them and then become attached. I had to hold out for the ideal girl.

I ended up meeting a gorgeous, brilliant, sexy-as-hell girl. We had instant chemistry and went to bed that night. I later learned that she had a boyfriend at the time, but by the time I really allowed myself to believe that, I was already too deep. Ended up really giving myself over to her and shattering my heart when it didn't work out.

I see myself as someone who is constantly improving. My looks get better with age. My social skills are getting better. I'm doing increasingly interesting shit and I'm an increasingly interesting person. When I really tap into it, I have an inner power that can own a room. If some investments and projects go well, it's quite possible I could be very rich and moderately famous.

I'm still holding off. Because I believe that when I really step into my power, I'll be able to get a girl I "deserve" that won't break my heart.

I realize this is stupid. Time is passing. I'm missing out on so many chances for incredibly relationships. But I keep fucking them up... I think it's subconscious. I'll have a great date set up with a great girl and then I... won't go. Or I'll hold off on one girl because there's another out there that I'm really trying to get. I just keep fucking myself over. Maybe it's a deep self-loathing and a sense I'm not actually that great. I don't aggressively try to date because I'm such a pessimist. I have to meet women through friends--and that often works, but then just as we're getting close I'll fuck it up or run away or sabotage it somehow.

Sometimes I think of killing myself, which is about as dumb as you can get, because I just have to try. But I guess deep down I'm so scared of getting hurt again, I don't want to give any of myself over. I don't want anyone to have power over me, because I hated that feeling. I hated how desperate I was to hear her voice, to read her letters, just to be able to touch her again, even as she kept hurting me. That girl actually wants me back too, and I still feel for her, but there's too much bad blood there. I know it's a fallacy to think of yourself as "broken" but sometimes I do. And sometimes I just want to die alone.

But maybe if I just hold on a bit more I'll finally be the person I want to be, and then maybe I'll be able to attract the girl I want to attract. And then maybe I'll be happy. But that feels so far away, across an unfathomable ocean.

Shit, I really just need to learn to love myself.

I like the dead hours of reddit on dead threads of anonymous accounts. It's here I say the shit I'll never say elsewhere. Nobody knows.