3. somebody once told me

somebody once told me

e question as to why that is? Well, let's explore that, shall we? Cinderella."Lived happily ever after." No ogres! Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. No ogres! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman...No, no, no! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after. SHREK All right, look, lady! FG Don't you point...those dirty green sausages at me! KYLE opens the cart to get a soda and SHREK notices the potions SHREK Ah... that's okay. We’ll go. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother. FG I need a Monte Cristo Sandwich now. You’ve got me all worked up. [exits] SHREK looks at KYLE, smiles, then knocks him out. DONKEY Shrek, are you off your nut? SHREK Donkey, quiet and keep watch. DONKEY Keep watch? Yeah, I'll keep watch. I'll watch that wicked witch come and whammy a world of hurt up your backside. I'll laugh, too. I'll be giggling to myself. SHREK opens the cart and passes potions to PUSS 18 PUSS Toad Stool Softener? Elfa Seltzer? Hex Lax? SHREK Help me find "handsome." PUSS Hey! How about "Happily Ever After"? SHREK Well, what does it do? PUSS It says "Beauty Divine." SHREK That'll have to do. She’s coming back. Go, Donkey! ALL exit. FG enters, with CHARMING following after. FG What happened here? Kyle! Clean this up. CHARMING Mother! FG This isn't a good time, pumpkin. Mama's working. CHARMING Whoa, what happened here? FG The ogre, that's what! CHARMING What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me! FG Oh, put it away, Junior! You're still going to be king. We'll just have to come up with something smarter. KYLE Pardon. Um...Everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother, except for one potion. FG What? [looks in the cart] Oh...I do believe we can make this work to our advantage. SCENE 4 THE ROYAL CASTLE QUEEN Try to at least pretend you're interested in your daughter's wedding ball. KING Honestly, Lillian, I don't think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball? FIONA Mom. Dad. KING Oh, hello, dear. What's that, Cedric? Right! Coming. FIONA Mom, have you seen Shrek? 19 QUEEN I haven't. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He's a little slow this morning. CEDRIC Can I help you, Your Majesty? KING Ah, yes! Um...Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish? CEDRIC That would be the dog's breakfast, Your Majesty. KING Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Cedric. FIONA Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek? KING No, I haven't, dear. I'm sure he just went off to look for a nice... mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night. FIONA Oh. You heard that, huh? KING The whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be…well, a bit of a brute. FIONA Him? You know, you didn't exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon. KING Well, what did you expect? Look at what he's done to you. FIONA Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you'd be happy for me. KING Darling, I'm just thinking about what's best for you. Maybe you should do the same. SCENE 5 FOREST SHREK [reading the potion] "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. For you and your true love. If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and beauty divine." You both will be fine? I guess it means it'll affect Fiona, too. DONKEY Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that jug o' voodoo and let's get out of here. SHREK It says, "Beauty Divine." How bad can it be? [sniffs the potion and sneezes] DONKEY See, you're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again! SHREK Well, here's to us, Fiona. DONKEY Shrek? You drink that, there's no going back. 20 SHREK I know. DONKEY No more wallowing in the mud? SHREK I know. DONKEY No more itchy butt crack? SHREK I know! DONKEY But you love being an ogre! SHREK I know! But I love Fiona more. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK drinks the potion. There’s a long pause then...he farts DONKEY I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion. PUSS Maybe it's a dud. SHREK Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. [Thunder cracks and he passes out] DONKEY Shrek! Black out. Fade in CASTLE INTERIOR. FIONA enters with her luggage. KING There you are! We missed you at dinner. What is it, darling? FIONA Dad...I've been thinking about what you said. And I'm going to set things right. KING Ah! Excellent! That's my girl. FIONA It was a mistake to bring Shrek here. I'm going to go out and find him. And then we'll go back to the swamp where we belong. QUEEN Fiona, please! Let's not be rash, darling. You can't go anywhere right now. Thunder cracks again and FIONA collapses KING Fiona! 21 ACT 3 SCENE 1 IN THE BARN - MORNING SISTER Good morning, sleepyhead. I love your

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