Been down on my love life a lot recently. I've been feeling very pensive, reflective and nostalgic and I found this post I made on my Livejournal a few years back when things got a bit weird with a guy in med school....
I think I mentioned before that as a child at the age of twelve I made a deal with God. I promised that if I were to get the career I wanted (doctor) I would be okay if the universe sacrificed me having a proper, fulfilling relationship. I am fucking Katrina Kaif from Jab Tak Hai Jaan ugh I can't deal with all of this shit I literally asked destiny to not give me love so that I could excel in academics. At the time it made sense. Even now, if I was faced with the choice I would probably make the same one! But, why did I make that deal at all to begin with? I always wonder to my very core if it actually stuck. Why didn't I just have faith in my own abilities and never promise anything?
I have this vision in my head that I've had for a very long time. There's some banquet hall or something. Everyone is inside, every single person I know. My family, my friends. Every single one of them is dancing with the person they love and they're happy and content. And I sit outside on a bench looking in and just smile because I couldn't be happier for them. All I want - all I have EVER truly wanted - is for the people I love to be happy, to find someone who they deserve. But I have NEVER been able to envision it for myself. I just sit and watch and accept my situation. It is what it is. I'm not sad. I am accepting of the hand I have been dealt. If anyone should suffer through life alone it should be me because I know I would be able to handle it. I would never want anyone I care about to have to.
Which brings me to another point. I had a blast tonight. I danced like a crazy person and smiled and Crush Guy (or anyone else for that matter) would have never been able to notice that anything was off. I was happy. Dancing always makes me happy. My friends were fantastic. I looked great! I know I have a great life. I know that I am an amazing person that anyone would be lucky to be with. I don't even remotely think there's anything wrong with me. I just believe it's not in my fate.
After everything that has happened in this year so far I can't be anything but grateful for what the universe has given me. I have an amazing life and to be honest this won't even hurt as much as L did. Yeah, it'll suck to have to see Crush Guy again at lectures but if there's anything I've learned over the years it's that I am very strong. I never show any weakness or vulnerability. I recover very quickly from bad news, especially so if it is something I have already had to deal with before in my past.
Basically, I couldn't be more confused, but ultimately I'm just tired. I'm exhausted. I've gone through this twice in three years and it is very draining. I don't want to even LOOK at a guy for the rest of the year. :P My friends care about me deeply and make me laugh, guys do like me but I guess not the rare ones that I happen to be interested in. My family loves me unconditionally and is always there for me, even when I don't deserve it. And I do want to find someone. Even if deep down inside I myself don't believe it will ever happen that doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying. But I need a break. I need to distance myself until I find someone worth being interested in again. And that's what the L experience taught me, that there WILL be someone else in the future and I WILL move on.
But for now I will simply be.
Past me was smarter, wiser and more mature than present me, I swear