Well, the story is kind of long, but it can best be explained in this 'break-up' letter! I can't tell you how long it took me to accept the reality of the situation:
Good Afternoon Alexis.
I do not know whether or not you'll see this. I have no way of knowing if you're going to read this half-way through, roll your eyes, and then log off. I send this letter to your email because you don't like getting your phone blown up, and I shall respect that... but I hope you do see this. What I want to say is not easy, and you never seem to care about making time to talk to me, so I shall say it here:
I give up. I promise that I quit.
You have made it very obvious that you care very little for what I have to say or how I feel. Our relationship consists of us being friends, me having negative emotions, you doing something stupid, me getting pissed, me hating you, you wondering what you did, us 'talking it out', and then the cycle starts all over again. Have you noticed that anytime we talk, it seems as though it is me who has to start it? Or that after a few days, you lose interest about what I have to say? This cycle is not a happy one. For me, anyways.
I understand that perhaps I am being unreasonable. I am not going to pretend that I am going to 'change you'. You are the way you are. No matter what I say, how I feel, or what I do, you really don't care. I realize that now. But that's just me, being old-fashioned and stupid, right? Your debauchery during the summer... all the people you've 'messed around' with (because we know you've done more than 'mess around' with them)... you enjoy it. I finally realize that now.
Which reminds me, congrats on being 4 months clean.
I've always wondered why you lied about what kind of a person you were. You always downplayed everything you did, trying to make me believe you were not as bad as the rumors said. You actually made me think that you cared about what I thought. But, like I said, I know you don't.
I realized things started getting bad when I was crying a few days ago, and I awoke my mother. She marched to my room and asked "Why the fuck are you crying? It's past midnight!" She assumed it was about college, but when she saw my face, she realized that it was more serious.
While she hugged me, I told her the huge story that you and I both know so very well. She didn't say anything at first, for she was not comfortable with the topic, but she spoke once I finished crying. Long story short, she called me pathetic for liking you, and how she raised me better, yadda, yadda, ya. I am pathetic; she was right. My own mother had to give me advice and comfort. I was ashamed that she knew this pathetic little secret of mine, but ah well. Such is life.
I cried tears for someone who never cared, for someone who I should have known was not for me at all, and for someone who didn't even know what I was going through.
I used to think that there was some hope that you were bisexual, you know. The questions you asked me made me think that. I mean, what kind of heterosexual asks those questions, repeatedly, right? I've come to realize that you're just curious, and in no way did that mean there was hope.
I used to think that one day, you'd come out the closet and... well, I suppose a 'and they lived happily ever after' would have happened after that. I now understand that this will never happen, and that I have absolutely no right in trying to imagine you are something you are not.
Alexis, I promise you that I give up. Should you overdose at a party, I won't care. Should you get accepted into Washington University, I won't care. Should you impregnate someone and you have to drop out of school, I won't care. Should you win the Gates Millennium Scholarship, I won't care. Should you decide you are bisexual, and you meet and fall inlove with this amazing man, I won't care.
Maybe now, I can become a better person. I can stop caring, and I can live my life without wondering how you're doing, or worrying about your actions. They are yours, for Christ's sake, I really shouldn't be caring. If you don't care about your actions, or what I think about them, then maybe I should realize that what I'm doing is stupid. I am sorry, Alexis. I have no right to tell you what to do.
I promise you you will never hear any critique from me. Let this be the greatest act of goodwill I do in your name. May you enjoy your life as you see fit.