I beat myself up too much about my past. Pretty much everyone close to me knows, but I dont think anyone knows how bad it is. All I do is think about things that everyone says shouldn't be relevant to me anymore. When we were 13 and 15, my sister and I went to rehab voluntarily from my mom, and were stuck till she wanted to take us out. I always blamed myself for my sister getting the short end of the stick because I was a shitty role model. All she did was smoke pot with my friend and I because she didn't have any friends. My mom used to tell me it was my fault she used to cut herself so deep. She's always going to have those scars, and it hurts knowing she would've maybe never known what cutting was if I had never tried it. I had to basically raise her, and shes my best friend and I always feel like I failed her. Like I didn't do as good as I could have. She dated this guy who used to be my best friend, and he emotionally abused her, and never told anyone when he knew she was ODing to try and kill herself. She hates him and i always think its my fault because she met him through me and I always wanted her to like my friends.

I feel so different since I dropped acid but I don't feel like I can't tell anyone and have them understand. I cry a lot because I can't forgive my therapist who moved away two years ago for leaving me. I cry because I can't forgive my mom for putting us away, and I cry because i can't forgive my dad for not loving my older brother, or my old friends for leaving me behind after I kept getting sent away or having to pick up hours at work. I cry because my old boss killed herself and I wish I could've taken her place, because so many people actually cared about her, and it would've been easier if I died instead. I still have her girlfriend added on fb and my heart hurts anytime she posts about her, even though it happened almost a year ago and we weren't very close.