Don't worry. Every single one of my childhood friends avoided me like I had the plague. I have no idea why. It hurt for years. It still does. I remember playing under the playset in elementary school. We had a Clubhouse, and my very first and very best friend I ever made and kept until high school, were the only ones allowed in the club. We had a secret password. "When the log rolls over we will die, die, die." It was referring to ants on a turd in a toilet bowl. Fast forward years of being the best friend I could ever ask for, we got a job together in a local catering kitchen our junior year. We were constantly fucking around because the boss man was never around. Throwing zucchini sat eachother and chopping them fruit ninja style, beating eachother with opposition (giant green bean/eggplant things), sharing cigarettes on break, high giving with knives and saying "best friends for knife!!" We would toke with the rest of the staff when the boss went to make a delivery. We would come back inside high as fuck, my eyes were red as shit, his were kinda yellow because he had jaundice. We would cook and clean and jam out to Coheed and Cambria.

He was the best thing in my life. But then he cut off all communications with me in the snap of the fingers. He was a brother to me. I would have taken a bullet for this boy. I try and contact him ever now and then because I miss him. I want the boy I knew back. I want to rewind my life and find where I went wrong so I can fix it. Where did I go wrong? It's all my fault and I don't know what I did. It haunts me. It keeps me up at night. It makes me cry in my car in the parking lot. It still tears at me every day. Everybody has that person that they can talk to about anything. I lost that person. He is still alive but that makes it that much worse. It's not that he is dead and can't talk to me, but he is alive and he won't. He would rather not talk to me. All I want is acknowledgment. Just recognize my feeble attempts at healing these wounds.

Ryan, if you are out there, please answer me. Please.