Abusing the wicked stick Adjusting the antenna Aiding and abetting a known felon Applying the hand brake Arguing with Henry Longfellow Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior Audition your hand puppet Backstroke roulette Badgering the witness Barking up the wrong tree Bash the candle Basting the ham Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger Being rough with the sex stick Be your own best friend Beat the bishop Beat the bologna Beat the dummy Beat the meat Beat the pud Beat the stick Beat up your date Beef tips stroking off Bleed the weed Blow your own horn Bludgeon the beefsteak Bop the bologna Bop the bonzo Box the Jesuit Box with Richard Brushing up on your typing skills Buff the banana Bugger your hand Building upper-body strength Burp the baby Burp the worm Butter the corn Calling down for more mayo Calling in the secret service Caning the vandal Caulking the cracks in the bathroom tile Charm the snake Check for testicular cancer Cheese off Choke Kojak Choke the chicken Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come Clamp the pipe Clean your rifle Cleaning out your account Clear the snorkel Climb the tree Closet Frisbee Combing the hair on your bald pig Sally Combing your hair Communing with nature Consulting with your silent partner Corral your tadpole Couch hockey for one Crank the love pump Crank the shank Crimp the wire Crown the king Crushing pop cans in the dark Cuddle the kielbasa Cuff the carrot Daisy-chaining Dancing in the dragon's fiery breath Dancing with the one-eyed sailor Date Miss Michigan Date Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters Date Rosie Palm and her five sisters Debugging the hard drive Defrosting the fridge Digital penile oscillation Discovering your own potential Distributing free literature Do handiwork Do it your way Do the janitor thing Do the white knuckler Doing your homework Drain the monster Dry humping the ottoman Eating grapes with the one-armed man Electing the President Engage in safe sex Exercise one's right Exercising your right to privacy Fastening the chin strap on the helmet of love Feed the ducks Feeding bologna to the Smurfs Feeling your way around Fiddle the flesh flute Firing the pound gun Fishing with dynamite Fist your mister Five knuckle shuffle Flick your Bic Fling your phallus Flip the bishop Flipping your omelet Flog the bishop Flog the dolphin Flog the dong Flog the log Flog the mule Flogging the egg man Fly fishing Fondle your flagpole Free Willy Frost the pastries Frosting your maple bar Frying up the corndog Gallop the old lizard Gardening with the golden trowel Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion Get a date with Slick Mittens Get the German soldier marching Get to know yourself Get your pole varnished Give it a tug Give your low five Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money Go a couple of rounds with ol' Josh Go blind Go on a date with Fisty Palmer Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela Go the blow Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader's head Submitted by Jake W. Goose the gherkin Grease the pipe Greasing the three-legged cow Hand job Hard labor Have one off the wrist Helping put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college Hitchhike to heaven Hitchhike underneath the big top Hitting too close to home Hoisting your own petard Hold the bishop Hold the sausage hostage Holding your own Hone the cone Honk your horn Hosing down the driveway Hotfooting it to the nearest exit Hug the hog Hump your hose Investing in pork bellies Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell Jack hammer Jazz yourself Jerk Jamby Jerk the gherkin Left to your own devices Letting the cat out of the bag Liquidating the inventory Locking the bathroom door Look for ticks Looking for clues with Fred and Daphne Lope the mule Love the Muppet Love's labors lost Lubricating the love monkey Make a foreskin cone Make instant pudding Make the bald man puke Making a cash withdrawal Making chowder with sailor Ned Making it up as you go along Making magic with leftovers Making soup Making the bald man cry Making the bread rise Making the world safe for democracy Mangle the midget Manipulate the mango Manual labor Manual override Master Bacon, meet Rosie Hancock Meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters Milk the lizard Milk the moose Milk the self Mount a corporal and four Much goo about nothing Nerk your throbber Null the void Oil the glove Onan's olympics One gun salute One man band One-night-stand with yourself Opening the flood gates Pack your palm Paddle the pickle Paint the ceiling Paint the pickle Painting the flag pole Painting the picket fence Palm the calm Paying at the turnpike Peel the banana Perform diagnostics on your man tool Pet the lizard Pip the pumpkin Play a little five-on-one Play a one-stringed guitar Play five against one Play in a one-man show Play peek-a-boo Play pocket pinball Play pocket pool Play tag with the pink torpedo Play the skin flute Play tug-o-war with Cyclops Play Uno Playing it safe Playing the one-stringed melody Playing the single-string air guitar Plugging in the toaster Plunk your twanger Polish Percy in your palm Polish the family jewels Polish the helmet Polish the rocket Polish the rock-hard staff of St. Peter Polish the sword Pound off Pound the bald-headed moose Pound the pud Pound your flounder Pounding the fence post Prepare the carrot Prime the pump Pull rank Pull the bologna pony Pull the carrot Pull the goalie Pull the pole Pull the Pope Pull the pud Pull your own leg Pull your taffy Pulling your own weight Pulling yourself up by your own bootstrap Pump the python Pump the stump Punch the clown Punch the munchkin Punish Percy in your palm Putting your best foot forward Putting your foot down Putting your thumb in the porridge Raining on your parade Ram the ham Relishing your hot dog Riding the five-legged pony Roll your own Rolling it off the lot Romeo and himself Rope the pony Rope the Pope Rub one out Rub the pink eraser Rubbing Buddha's tummy Run off a batch by hand Sacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nights Safest sex Sailing the mayonnaise seas Saluting the general Sampling the secret sauce Sand wood Scour the tower of power Scraping the bottom of the barrel Scratch the itch Screwing your courage to the sticking place Secret handshake Self abuse Self-induced penile regurgitation Sex with someone you really love Shake hands with Abe Lincoln Shake hands with the midget Shake hands with the unemployed Shake hands with your John Thomas Shake hands with your wife's best friend Shake hands with Yul Brynner Shake the sauce Shake the sausage Shake the snake Shaking hands with Dr. Winky Shellac the shillelagh Shemp the hog Shift gears Shine the helmet Shine your pole Shoot for the moon Shoot putty at the moon Shoot the airplane Shooting yourself in the foot Shuck your corn Sizing things up Slam the ham Slam the salami Slam the salmon Slam the Spam Slap high fives with Yul Brynner Slap it Slap pappy Slap the carrot Slap the clown Slap the donkey Slap the purple-headed yogurt pistol Slap the salami Slapping Johnny on the back Sling the jelly Smack the salami Smiting the pink knight Snap the monkey Snap the rubber Snap the whip Solo flight Solo marathon Solo sex Spank Elvis Spank the bishop Spank the frank Spank the monkey Spank the salami Spank the wank Spanking the rooster Spending your Christmas bonus Squeeze the cheese Squeeze the juice Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube Squeeze your cheese-dog Squeezing the happy lumberjack Stewing in your own juices Stinky pinky Stir the batter Stir the yogurt Strain the main vein Straining your cabbage Stretching the truth Strip-mining with the spaghetti man Stroke the carrot Stroke the mole Stroke the one-eyed burping gecko Stroke the satin-headed serpent Stroke your poker Stroke your Twinkie Strumming the one-string harp Take matters into your own hands Take part in population control Take the fifth Take the monster for a one-armed ride Taking a few practice shots Taking a load off Talk quietly to yourself Tame the shrew Taunt the one-eyed weasel Teaching the Cyclops the lambada Tease the weenie Tenderize the tube steak Tending to your own affairs Test your batteries That crazy hand jive Thrash your thing Thump the pump Thump your thong Tickle the ivory Tickle the pickle Tickle the taco Ticklewigglejigglepickle Tipping off the inspector Toss the snag Toss the turkey Toss yogurt Tug the slug Twang the wire Tweak your Twinkie Twist your crank Unleashing the alabaster yak Unloading the gun Unpacking the moving van Varnish the flagpole Varnishing the banister Visiting with Papa Smurf Wake the dead Walk the dog Walk the plank Walking a mile in Mr. Wiggly's shoes Wallowing in self pity Wank with the one-eyed wonder weasel Wash the meat Wax the Buick Wax the carrot Wax the dolphin Waxin' n' Milkin' Whack it Whack the weasel Whack Willy Whip the dummy Whip the one-eyed trouser snake Whip the one-eyed worm Whip the rat Whip the stiff Whip the wire Whip up some sour cream Whip your dripper Whitewashing with Huck and Tom Whittle the stick Wiggling your walrus Windsurf on Mount Baldy Wonk your conker Work things out Working at your own speed Working late at the office Working up a foamy lather Working without Annette Wrestle the dragon Wrestle the eel Wrestling with the bald champ Wring out your rope Wrist aerobics Yank the crank Yank the yo-yo Yank your plank