Oh boy... I had my daughter write it and its a lot longer than i thought it'd be... Its gonna take me forever to type up. But hey, i see some influences of Poe, and... Silverstein? Lol
As I dig through my closet to find a present most nice, for my niece who cares not of value or price, I manage to slip upon some ice.
How did i get outdoors? I ask. I think I broke all of the bones in my...
Wait, where am I, stranded in snow? I notice a lovely warm christmas glow... "It's Santa!" I scream, excited and pained, i have a bone sticking out of my arm.
How humorous,
It's my humerus,
Sticking from myself.
I hope it doesn't trip over an elf.
Immense pain i feel, but Santa is here! A once in a lifetime event- Is that the cat in the hat? Trying to steal?
That thieving feline in his stupid hat! Only a Grinch would try to do that!
"Hey it's not me, and seriously, that's mean! To assume that i am he and that he is me." I heard from behind my right shoulder. The actual grinch stood there, his eyes a smolder. "Well sorry" I said, "but you made your reputation. You gotta live with it." Now wait, where was I? Oh yeah.
Ghastly, grotesque, and hideous was he, A malady he had, one not easy to see.
A mask he wore, beneath that stupid hat... When did he sew diamonds on that?
Loathsome humanoid feline, unnatural, gross weird old cat... Something isn't right about that...
But wait! Things are not what they seemed! That "cats" eyes had an unusual gleam... Of smugness, familiar, annoying, and punchable as can be...
T'was Kanye West, of course! And he was stealing trees!
"Yo" said he in a tone most icky, "Imma let you deliver these gifts, but y'all need to recognize that i can Santa better. I'm the best thing ever, better than Jesus, Keanu, and Betty White. I'm a genius, bringer of light. The best in the world. You're just Santa and some of his little helpers. Kids look up to me, I drink fanta and watch myself on TV."
He continued on, and Krampus appeared and said "Wow. What a jerk. I'd punish him, but i dont think it'd work..."
Just then, it came to me! I had an idea, so genius you see. I stood up and proclaimed "No sir, you are not" He did not like interruptions, I continued, I shouted, I drowned his voice out! When not being heard, he began to pout.
Weakened and wary, the elves took him out.
Bundled in brown paper and packed in coal, Stuffed on the slay to be imprisoned in the north pole. The Kanye issue resolved for a happier tomorrow, i was applaused! "But not to much because we just got rid of an ego beast, you know?" Said Krampus.
Sent back home to the warmth of the couch, and rewarded with candy and pirate shanties all stuffed plentiful within a foot shaped pouch.
Santa and Krampus ensured that i need not sift through belongings for gifts to give family.
I was given a giftcard for the mall. Where I found my niece a most lovely doll.
Costing more than I'd have liked, But she would be so syked, To open it on christmas morning.
For my nephew i got legos, and for my brothers i found books, for my sister, cheese from Tillamook because shes really weird and eats cheese by itself all the time.
There wasnt much left for me, dolls, and legos, and books are really pricy, but i got myself some candy. And pretzels at the mall that i didnt have to share, because i like pretzels and if anyone tries to touch my pretzels im gonna eat their finger with it! It's my pretzel leave it alone!
The end. Merry Christmas!