Wao, THANKS! (tw self harm, autistic meltdowns)

I'm a rather stereotypical butch, I don't mind because it's the first time in my life I fit into something lol. But I'm also autistic, and sometimes that leads me to horrible meltdowns where I ain't aggressive towards others but have had violent behaviors towards myself. So it's the predatory butch stereotype plus the meltdowns that make me feel like Jekyll and Hyde. And while I'll be violent to myself a hundred times but not a single one against someone else, sometimes I end up being afraid to be. I don't feel beautiful or a badass. I'm just a traumatized autistic butch. While the mothers hide their kids when I pass by on the street (it has happened several times) I get truly intimidated by femmes and their puzzling beauty that feels like being struck by lightning.