I think I've become an asshole. I know I have.
Over the past year, nearly all of my relationships, old and new, have ended or significantly dulled. I know there's a problem, and that I'm the common denominator of my relationships. But I have no motivation to give two shits.
Whenever I feel particularly nice I can be more friendly toward those around me. This isn't vastly different than usual, as I generally smile at many who see me, but other than that tend to be closed off and indifferent. My problem is that when I am having those good days, people give me shit for it. I never shit on their birthday cake, and if I feel bad I try to keep my negative self from being a bad part of someone else's day.
While I seem very apathetic toward others, I find I'm more apathetic toward myself, and even toward others I will go out of my way or do something other than I want to in order to keep any more negativity from getting to them.
Towards myself, I am always angry, blaming myself for all bad occurrences from day to day, and no one has bothered to help me have any confidence that I shouldn't be angry with myself. They tell me that it isn't healthy to treat myself the way I do, but I don't find it healthy to lie to myself if it's true that I am at fault.
My other vice is complaining. Yes, ha ha ha, I am fucking complaining right now. Every time I talk to anyone, friend, teacher, acquaintance, etc. I overshare. I tell them all about what's on my mind, and my mind doesn't like to think of happy things, but rather those which worry, anger, embarrass, or even scare me. Anyone would hate to be burdened with that type of shit every time they talk to someone.
I don't blame anyone for avoiding me, but here's my problem: I can't get away from my mind. I hate it so much, I punh myself in the head, smacking my temples, until I am tired, have a headache, and pass out. I know this is bad, and it makes me very sad to feel so lost and without anyone who would listen, console, and not try to make me talk to some therapist.
I have a counselor, but she doesn't hit at the deepest issues, nor do I feel satisfied with my state of mind after talking with her. But she's so nice, she has become my friend, and I need that. I can't risk having to talk to someone who doesn't understand where I'm coming from.
As for friends my age, many have simply given up on me. We're all moving on with our lives, while I feel like this big change in my life may push me past my breaking point. I hate life but am afraid of death. I love everyone so much, would hate to leave them and cause any pain, because that would be the loneliest state I can imagine. I am bitter, lazy, and see myself as a complete waste of space and talent. I hate living with myself, because I am a pessimistic human being who hates to be bothered with even the smallest of annoyances. I just want to quit.
http://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/2s7s5p/i_think_ive_become_an_asshole_i_know_i_have/
Fascinating.