Well, not sure how much it would ruin my life, but it would certainly make things more difficult. I’ll explain.

I am bipolar 1. Depressive episodes suck the worst — but it’s not even that that makes me want to just end it all. It’s the fact that it had to be me. It had to be me that feels such mental anguish. It had to be me that my dad mentally abused severely, and would not accept there was anything wrong with me. It had to be me that grew up the “fat kid” in the family. It had to be me that was always out of shape. It had to be me that had no friends, no personality, no special gifts, no ambition — just nothing. It had to be me that was always starting, then stopping, then starting, then stopping — a constant, vicious loop of just stops and starts. It had to be me was the whipping boy in my dads house, and numerous social circles. It had to be me that my cunt of a stepmother teamed up with my dad against me and further cause my spiral into mental anguish. It had to be me that my stepmothers absolute shithead of a nephew both physically and mentally abused. It had to be me that could never stick to a fitness routine. It had to be me that failed classes, and didn’t have common sense and was always the idiot.

My older sister was/is the successful one, and I’m not upset at her one bit. She’s in INCREDIBLE shape, and is going to school for physical therapy. She has friends at her job, and we work at the same place. The same place where I’m treated like shit. Me? I’m just a dumb directionless 22-going on 23-year-old. The world in its current state is not making me feel better. The world I feel will very soon come to an end, and I have nothing to show for it. I simply existed. I am on the brink of giving up — I’ve already attempted suicide in May, and I will probably do it again soon. Just hoping that it will be successful. I have no idea what the afterlife holds for me, or if there even IS an afterlife. I just want the pain to stop. I don’t want my mother to hurt anymore. I don’t want to feel alone anymore. With that said, if I do go through with this, it’s not so much what will ruin my life — but how it will affect others.