Stripped from format, for easier reading
Dear Russia, as a member of that monolithic, united and vicious entity known as the West, I'd like to apologize for destroying your country. We speak with one voice, we act as one. We are legion. Except the New York Times. I don't know who controls them.
As you well know, I've long harbored dreams of reducing your beautiful and noble country to ruins and impoverishing your people. Why? For the fuck of it of course!
But I can see that I have erred. Well, OBAMA and I. We discussed it yesterday and we want to apologize. We're sorry for trying to disband your empire by sanctioning your for unilaterally invading foreign territory. We're sorry for the whole "shoot down a commercial plane and blame it on the Ruskis" plot. We're sorry for allowing the CIA to control your federal bank. We're sorry for forcing you to vote for the dumbest alcoholic in your country during your brief liaison with actual democracy, thus paving the way for an underhanded KGB agent to take control of the country.
Now as you go through this difficult period, the important thing to remember is not to overreact.
Don't blame your autocratic ex-KGB dictator. Don't blame your whipped shitty media. Don't blame your oligarchy of tycoon who grow fat on the corpse of Soviet State infrastructure. Don't blame your antiquated notions of empire being incompatible with 21st century politics. Don't blame your mono-faceted economy. It would be wrong to consider electing someone less volatile, to consider a more open and receptive political system. As RT and Xinhua keep reminding us all, democracy is doomed, a failed experiment. Don't make the same mistakes We did.
Dear Russian friends, please put all your blame on me, The West. And Obama. And know that we are sorry.
I'm sure Xi Jinping will be along soon to pick you up and take you for a ride. His car looks a little like a rape van, but don't worry. He's a very nice man, and the Chinese people love him very much, Xinhua reliable informs us, just as RT reminds us that you love your own Dear Leader, Putin The Avenger, Son of Thor, Son of Odin, Destroyer of Realms and Wrestler of Bears.
Again, sorry and goodbye.