I get that. I havent used a public washroom since last August, and before that it would've been over a year. It makes me feel gross to even be seen in one.

It doesn't help that I recently found out my estranged abusive mother is dying and I'm confronting the idea that if I ever want some positive memories of my mom I have very limited time left to make them. Then my own dysphoria has been worse than ever especially after some trans women were assaulted and harassed in my area after being seen in public. Just, all around really bad time.

I try not to focus on it but how can I not when every thing I do every day reminds me that I am stuck in this body I loath... it's honestly crippling. I can't do any kind of self care because seeing or interacting with my own body makes me dysphoric, as does my voice. I've really only get pure escapism left as an option, and whenever I can be I am high out of my mind. It's hard to find things that affirm me as a person since I'm pretty self destructive and turn to self destructive actions when I feel numb.

I don't normally talk about this kind of stuff on reddit, but lately its been way too much and even some momentary validation from any other human being that they understand what this feels like is enough.