Apparently with enough chronic distress your PTSD can go beyond limits, into the realm of complex trauma. I can't really think of a work environment where everyone respected me and left me alone to do my work. I turned into a perfectionist workaholic to cope, before turning into an emotional vegetable who can barely focus on basic daily self care. I let my career go, and I'm just adrift with barely any social connections. At first I thought this was only burnout, but it just kept going for years. I never really recovered. I never thought dreams as simple as having a stable job and supportive relationships would start to feel like an impossible fantastical dream.

I hate that this is where I am at in my near 20 years since transition, I want to be able to inspire people with my story and be a good role model. I can barely make eye contact with other humans anymore. To be fair growing up in a hostile and unsafe environment didn't help. I was always on my own, and it feels like it's just better that way at this point. All the hard things that people put me through were much harder because no one has ever been there in my corner. Even at work people would just stand by or even laugh when I was being harassed in front of them. Then I am supposed to trust these people? The same people that say they are supportive allies?